Parenting Matters: Do it for the kids!

Some things are especially important to do for the children in a family. One of these important tasks is to invest in improving your relationship with your partner. You might ask, what does that have to do with the children in the family? It has a great deal.

Remember that you are the one who is modeling life for your child. You also are modeling the kind of relationship you believe is important for your child to see.

Another reason you need to put effort into the quality of the relationship you have with your partner is that your child wants and needs to have the two of you in her life on a long-term basis. If you invest in this relationship now, you are more likely to have it in the future. Your child does best when you are both moving in a positive and healthy direction.

So what should you do to keep your relationship in a healthy and long-lasting position? How do you make a positive and rewarding relationship?

Actually, there are many things you can do and should be doing to keep your relationship positive. We all know that some relationships aren’t going to make it nor should they. But let us assume that your relationship is pretty good but not where you want it to be.

How can you invest yourself in a way that will improve it?

1. Build trust by being honest and truthful. With trust you can weather many difficult situations in life. Building trust means being truthful and not telling even little lies. The little lies erode relationships in big ways.

2. Slow down and listen to your partner. First, set your phone down and talk together. If you want to improve your relationship with your partner, this is a critical ingredient. When you want your partner to finish talking so you can make your point, you aren’t listening. You are only pausing your side. It is fine to ask to slow things down.

3. Try to understand before you try to be understood. Before you present your side of an argument, listen to your partner’s side. If you are busy defending yourself, you have lost your opportunity to understand your partner. You will make the most progress when each of you tries hard to understand the other.

4. Communication determines the success of every relationship. It’s nice to ask how your partner’s day went, but not every day. Improve your conversation by asking meaningful questions. This modified approach will make conversations more important.

5. Regularly tell your partner of your appreciation. Give some serious thought to what your partner does for you. Things like filling the gas tank, feeding the dog or changing the baby’s diaper can easily be overlooked. Reinforce your partner’s thoughtfulness by recognizing it and talking about it. Let your partner know his or her importance in your life.

6. What happened yesterday is the past. Let it go. Many potential arguments begin over what is past. It’s difficult to move forward in a relationship when you’re still thinking about what happened from another time. Find a way to let that go.

7. Be sure to show your affection. While gratitude to your partner is important, so are other kinds of affection. Hold hands, give the hug you are thinking about and just let your partner know the importance he or she has in your life.

8. There is always an appropriate time to apologize. Being right isn’t as important as being compassionate. Not every argument needs to be won. Think about which battles are worth fighting. It is great to know you are right, but there’s something important about having the maturity to apologize during an argument that you know isn’t as important to you as the person you are arguing with.

9. Plan a date night together regularly. You need to have special times together to keep your marriage exciting. Take turns on who plans the special time.

10. Be nice to your partner. This is the most important relationship you will ever have. Think of every way possible way to be nice to your partner.

Remember, your children are watching. Your children want you to be happy and to be together. The least you can do is go along with their plan.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and former executive director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. To reach current First Teacher Executive Director Nicole Brewer, email nicole@firstteacher.org or call 360-681-2250.