Most parents know they have to teach their children about saying “Thank you.” It is a very important lesson. Fortunately, it is an easy lesson to teach. It is just one phrase, and you say it whenever people are nice to you. You say “Thank you” for things they give you, when they do something for you, and when they help you in any way. Children feel very proud of themselves when they learn to do this without a parent saying, “Now, apologize.”

It is another thing when your children do something wrong and they need to apologize. This is a harder lesson to teach. Unfortunately, it has several more steps than saying, “Thank you.”

While it begins most frequently with “I’m sorry” or “I apologize,” that is not the whole thing. It begins with the person’s willingness to admit his mistake and giving the other person a chance to discuss what is and is not acceptable. This expresses remorse for what you did. However, this is just the beginning.

The next step is when you admit the situation was your fault. Here you need to empathize or understand how you wronged the other person and that you understand how he feels. That restores dignity to the person you hurt. This also begins the healing process.

The next step in a sincere apology shows that you are taking responsibility for what you did. Shows the other person you take responsibility for your actions. This restores your integrity in the eyes of others. Then it will strengthen your self-confidence, self-respect and reputation.

Some people will follow with making amends for what they did — saying things like, “If there is anything I can do to make this up to you, please just ask.”

The last step is to explain that you will not repeat the action or behavior. This reassures the wronged person that you are going to change you behavior. This helps you rebuild trust and repair the damage from what you did.

You need to remember when you make an apology to follow these steps:

1. Express remorse.

2. Admit responsibility.

3. Make amends.

4. Promise that it will not happen again.

Now you obviously do not want to give this much detail to your child. I have included it because many people do not understand all the parts of an apology. They think they can get away with “I’m sorry” and that should be enough.

With the right kind of an apology, you have the chance to make up for what you have done. You can solve the problem. That is huge.

Now you need to work on teaching your child. This is a difficult task but well worth the effort. Help give your child the words to use so he understands what you want.

Give him examples of what he should say when he breaks a dish accidentally or says something that is rude. The examples you give are very important and make a difference in what he learns. Make sure the end-result is a big hug and a comment about how each of you will really work on learning how to apologize.

Before I go, let me apologize to you for giving you such a big job. I really know this is expecting a great deal from you and it will really take a big effort on your part. I am a little embarrassed to be trying to tell you how to raise your children.

Nevertheless, I think you will really like the results. From now on, I will do a better job of telling you earlier about things that may help you learn about ways to raise responsible children.

I also will try to help you have some hints on ways you can make it as easy as possible.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and former executive director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. To reach current First Teacher Executive Director Nicole Brewer, email nicole@firstteacher.org or call 360-681-2250.