Most of us want our children to grow up to be kind people. Maybe that is especially true now when many people seem to be less concerned about kindness than we have in the past.

Probably the best place to learn about kindness is at home. Home is where we learn many of the lessons that are considered emotional lessons.

As a parent or a significant person in a child’s life, we hope our children will grow up to be kind, good people. We certainly hope they will not be cruel, intolerant, negative, or prejudiced. So how do we help them learn about kindness?

Being kind in many ways is so easy, we may simply overlook them. Thankfully, like most behavior, kindness can be learned.

Copying the behavior of important people is one of the most important ways children learn. This means that as adults we have an opportunity and a responsibility to teach kindness by example.

The place to begin teaching about kindness is by evaluating our own view of what that means. Define kindness for yourself so you will be in a better place to teach your child about it.

For me, kindness is being thoughtful of others. It is smiling at them and asking how they are doing. It is sharing what I have with others by reaching out to them in a positive way. It is leading a respectful life and avoiding being a negative person. It is thanking people and overall, it is being positive in life.

‘Kindness jar’

So how do we get our messages about kindness through to our children? One helpful way is to have a “kindness jar.” Explain to your child that you will be adding something special such as a candy, a penny or whatever, into the jar any time you notice kind acts throughout the day and weeks.

Set the jar in a prominent place and give your child an example of kindness that would warrant putting in the special treat. Talk about saying something nice to someone about how nice their hair looks today or how good the lasagna was tonight. These compliments are a way of saying something kind to another.

Ask your child to give some examples that would cause you to put the special treat in the jar. Your child should be able to add special treats to the jar if he notices kindness at home. Even people in the evening who can give examples of kindness they saw at school or in the community should put a treat in the jar.

Each act of kindness helps him learn more about it.

Talk together about what you will do with the far when it is full. Let there be something special you can do as a family when you can see the results.

Time to refocus

Even without a jar, make sure that you help your child focus more on being kind. Let your child see you being kind. When you call grandma, tell your little one how important these calls are to her. When you hear him asking for something and he says “please,” make sure he knows that is important to you. When your child does something to help you, make sure he hears how happy that kindness makes you.

If you see him showing concern for others comment on it. When he shows sensitivity toward the needs and feeling of other, talk to him about how pleased you are. When he shows respect towards adults, let him see you notice. Even when you see someone else being kind, comment about it.

When he tells you of a child being bullied, make sure you say how that is very unkind. Hearing the negative teaches the difference for him between the positive and what he has just told you about the bullied boy.

Give him examples of kindness such as holding the door for others, saying positive things about people, helping at events, donating to worthy causes, and any others he can think of. You want to have him be well aware of what kindness is and that it is something you want to encourage. See if he can give you some additional examples.

When you sit down to dinner, ask if someone was kind to him today? Ask if he tried to help someone today?

Make sure you give him a big hug and tell him how proud you are of him for trying to be aware of the importance of being kind.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and former executive director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. To reach current First Teacher Executive Director Nicole Brewer, email nicole@firstteacher.org or call 360-681-2250.