Some children make friends very easily. They seem like they are invited to all of the birthday parties, are chosen first for teams and are sought out by others to be their friend.

Research has shown that these children have one thing in common: they have learned the skills of social competence at an early age. They have lots of friends.

What is social competence? A child’s social competence includes the child’s social skills, social awareness, and self-confidence. Social skills describes how a child knows behavior that is appropriate in a given social situation. The child also has the social skills to not use impulsive or negative social behavior.

The socially competent child understands the emotions of others, picks up on subtle social cues, understands complex social situations, and demonstrates insight about others’ motivations and goals. Children who have these kinds of social skills and who are socially aware and self-confident are likely to be socially ready for having friends.

Some children struggle as they try to develop self-confidence and learn social competence skills. Kids who are overly shy, who hang back, who haven’t had many social experiences, and who don’t seem to do well making friends can be very unhappy and hindered throughout their lives.

Not having these skills can hinder one as he enters school and all the way through school. We know these skills can be learned but many times it takes an involved parent to help.

The best way to start to help is to determine if there are some skills you can help your child learn about making friends. Then work on these specific skills one at a time.

Skills for friendship

Here is a list of behaviors of children who don’t have friendship problems. See how your child fits mastering these skills in making friends.

• Really understands about taking turns

• Is able to be a good loser

• Knows about the importance of cooperating with others

• Understands about showing empathy for other’s feelings

• Has developed the skills to play the games his friends play

• Knows how to compromise

• Shares his toys willingly

• Knows how to be a part of a group

• Plays well with others

• Is not sulky or whiny

• Listens to others without interrupting

• Is excited about what others do and say

• Knows how to be a member of a group

• Does not argue a lot

• Knows how and when to apologize

• Looks directly at the other person

• Hangs in there even when he or his group is not doing very well

• Is not overly competitive

• Has good manners and is courteous

Practice, practice, practice

First, figure out what friendship traits your child lacks. Then coach him on the skill he needs to work on. Practice it with him over and over and offer him feedback so he learns what he needs to do.

Learning to be a friend is like many other things. You have to know what to do and you have to have practice. To help your child get ready for school, help him learn these kinds of skills. Put him in situations where he is with other children and see what he does well and what he needs help on. How well does he do in his play with other children? What does he need to change to help him make friends?

Encourage him to have a friend come over. As he watches how others play he learns to play. Learning to play is like many other kinds of learning. Seeing someone else play becomes a lesson on how he should learn to play. The importance of inviting children who play nicely to play with your child