It isn’t always easy to have a talk with your child about serious matters. The biggest problem is you need to have her listen since most serious issues involve something your child should have done or should not have done.

These are difficult subjects for your child to hear about. So how can you encourage your child to listen when you talk about a serious issue together? How does it all work?

These aren’t rules that apply to ordinary conversations. These are the ones when you really want to get your point across. These rules are for serious conversations that you want her to remember.

Get face to face

The first thing you need to do to be sure to be heard is to get down to your child’s level. This is the easiest part. Bend down. If you can’t squat, then pick up your child and put her at your level. Just having your child face to face encourages both of you to listen and learn. Look her in the eye and speak slowly and calmly to her. Encourage her to look at you in the eye in return.

Listen as well as talk

Be sure to remember that talking is not the total role you have to play. You need to be certain that there is plenty of listening that each of you do. It is easiest to listen and to talk when you are face to face. Listening tells the person you are talking with that they are an important part of what is happening.

Talk clearly

If you are using words your child doesn’t understand, you are wasting your time. Your conversation won’t work and your child won’t know what you are talking about. You can’t expect your child to tell you she doesn’t understand what you mean. So ask your child to tell you what you are saying. You may be surprised to hear her response.

Words that seem easy to you aren’t necessarily easy to your young child. She may be hearing words you haven’t even said. When you talk about her being sarcastic, that’s a tough word. Even when you talk about her being “responsible” she may not clearly hear that word either. Check in with her regularly and you may find she needs your help with understanding what you are saying.

Ask for feedback

As your child grows older, you can be more casual about the words you use as her vocabulary grows. But always check in with her to see if she really understands. That is the only way you will ever learn if you are getting your point across.

Say what you mean — period. Limit how long you talk or you will have lost her attention. In many ways you are better being too brief than too lengthy. Your child will ask for more information if she needs it. You don’t want to go on and on. Long explanations encourage boredom. Boredom encourages a child or anyone to focus on something else. So say what you mean and then stop.

Yelling is the worst kind of communication

When you yell at your kids, they don’t listen to anything you are saying. All they do is listen to you yell and they get more and more upset because you are yelling. If you are getting to the point where you believe you are about to start to yell at your child, pull back, take a few deep breaths and try again.

You are a role model and teacher for your child

Yelling isn’t the trait you want to encourage or pass on to your children. You want to set a good example by being the role model you should be. Evaluate what worked about your talk and what didn’t. Learn from your “failures” which aren’t failures; they are just teaching experiences.

There’s always another time

If your talk fails or you fail at your talk, you can try again. There will be ample opportunities to try, try again.

Communicating and sharing with your child is critical. It is worth all the time it takes to master this task. It begins with your baby and goes on throughout the rest of your life. It is well worth taking the time to understand what works and what doesn’t.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and former executive director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. To reach current First Teacher Executive Director Nicole Brewer, email nicole@firstteacher.org or call 360-681-2250.