Ruth Marcus

Death knocks. Relationships end. Life turns topsy-turvy.

Loss and grieving make challenging work. We resist, yet it is the heart's journey.

Grieving lets us experience how deeply connected we have been to a person, a pet, a job, a home, a lifestyle, an idea - and so much more.

Grieving is a natural process involving a range of emotions - including shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and frustration, depression, reflection and loneliness.

The sadness comes in waves, sometimes powerful waves. We wonder if the all-consuming pain will ever end.

Then, at some point, the darkness that engulfed us begins to lift. There is an upward turn, a gradual adjusting, and things seem to become calmer as the heaviness lifts.

Gradually we find ourselves functioning in ways that seem more normal. Little by little, we accept a new future. Our hearts have been broken, and the cracks are mending - we will be marked forever by the experience.



Healing the heart

This heart healing takes time. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

For example, a family that has been dealing with a progressive disease for months, engaged in round-the-clock caregiving, might feel incredible relief when death comes.

Months of caregiving are exhausting, and death relieves the intensity of care and concern. For a little while, the family caregivers seem to be doing well. Their bodies are catching up on sleep, muscles are relaxing more, and the emotional stress of tracking medications, appointments, visitors and treatments is lifted.

Feeling relieved is a normal experience. It takes time for the reality of death to set in and for grieving to begin. It might take a month or more for a deep sense of loss to come to the surface.

Grieving is complicated. When young children are involved, the surviving parent is faced with the unfamiliar challenges of single parenting. Not only is that person grieving the loss of a partner but also having to manage children and the household alone. This can feel overwhelming.



Suffer the children

It takes time to adjust and it's important for parents and children to find ways to work together, to talk about their needs. Children often are reluctant to talk about loss. It might bring up fear of losing the remaining parent.

Assurance and comfort, support and kindness help provide an atmosphere for families to experience their grief. Sharing stories, memories, laughter and tears are a part of the healing process. Everyone grieves differently. Some need to talk. Some need silence.

Reaching out, letting the school know that your child is grieving, letting your church know that you need emotional support, and turning to friends or a trusted counselor are ways of grieving and receiving support while adjusting to this major life change.

Rather than turning away from grief, escaping in alcohol, drugs or the virtual worlds of TV or computer games, it's important to take care of yourself in healthy, nurturing ways.



Care for yourself

Eat well, take naps, go for walks, talk with friends, soak in a hot bath, work in the garden, sit by the river, join a grief support group or write in a journal - all are important ways of working with the grieving process.

Holding back tears bottles up all kinds of emotions. This might result in physical symptoms: an aching heart, headaches, muscle aches and nervousness. Tears are part of our human experience. Let yourself cry. Let yourself be.

There is no quick fix.

Everyone has his or her own timing when it comes to grief. Sometimes grief comes in waves, seemingly out of the blue.

If you have recently relocated or retired, you may find a deep sadness well-up - another form of grieving. Grieving is a part of that process of saying farewell. When we leave anything behind - a meaningful job, old friends, a home that we loved - letting go brings grief to the surface.



Grieve pets, too

We may feel lost, confused, sad, and lonely - like the meaning of life has vanished. Honor these feelings. These feelings are pointing you in the direction of acknowledging your life transitions, and grieving is often a part of that process.

Don't minimize the death of a pet, either. Some of our closest relationships are with our beloved animal companions that brought us years of unconditional love. Of course we are going to grieve deeply when they die. Grieving is a way of honoring the depth of that special relationship.

There is a reason for grieving and there is a season for all relationships. Everything comes to an end. Breathing deeply and welcoming love is as important as breathing deeply and letting it go when the time has come. Grieving and weeping lets us be ourselves with the sweet memories that break our hearts.



Ruth Marcus, M.A., Ph.D. has a private counseling practice in Sequim. E-mail comments to Rmarcus@olypen.com. Visit www.DrRuthMarcus.com.