"Number one authority on nothing"
Matthew Nash
Contact Matt at mnash@sequimgazette.com
Matthew Nash hails from Portland, Ore., and stumbled into writing for newspapers when his high school allowed him to write movie reviews. Nash is married to a kindergarten teacher. They have one child together who is named after two superheroes.

My baby boy, Reed, turns 10 months next week (insert applause).

 

I've been wanting to reflect on my time with him as a dad and silent observer but I've been hesitant.

 

The constant thought that billions of people were parents before me, what was something new I could bring to the table? Honestly not much.

 

I find all the cliches are true. Yes, I do cherish this time because it goes so fast, and yes he is hitting milestones quicker and quicker.

 

Though I've also found with other parents, and humans for that matter, it's all about relatibility.

 

Reading my sister-in-law's blog, Funny is Family (www.funnyisfamily.com/), I find people like to relate to one another.

 

“Oh yeah, my kid did that too!” some might say.

 

So I figured I'd throw out a few observations from my brief time in parenthood. Poop jokes abound. There's stuff about the baby, too.

 

• While preparing my boy for a nap, I realized sleep sacks are the first Snuggies. He looks like millions of football fans on Sunday morning except cuter.

 

• Of course, some baby behavior wouldn't be accepted by adults from other adults. However, if I had the chance to drool on strangers holding me, I'd do so.

 

• “Dada” and “Mama” are often repeated at varying levels. Sometimes it's heartwarming but when chewing on toys and spacing out at the wall I start to wonder if he's OK.

 

• Even with giant obstacles of teddy bears, pillows and large toys, a baby is determined to go where you don't want him to go. I wish I shared his determination to climb to the middle of the dining room and eat lint.

 

• Changing a diaper is nearly impossible. Sometimes I have to hold his legs back or tickle him into hysteria or hold him down with my forehead while trying my darnedest to blindly apply the Velcro tabs. When a tab broke once, I considered leaving it off, but I realized doing that is like letting your teenage daughter go out with that guy who leads a biker gang. You just don't do it.

 

• Bath time looks way more fun when he's doing it. If I'm bathing, I normally see the Island of Gut poking out of the water and I become self-conscious. At least there are little toys in the tub now that spray water and smile back at me no matter what.

 

• Despite guarantees on commercials and on the box, some diapers aren't spill proof.

I'll just say some diapers are on my $&*% list.

 

• Car rides with a baby are a gamble, particularly long ones. He doesn't like to sleep in the car, so often we place and hang a few toys around him hoping there's enough there to amuse him. Sing-along CDs keep our sanity for only so long and sitting in the back with him means he only wants us there all the time. Therefore we've decided to ride a tandem bike around with a basket in front E.T.-style. OK, that's not really true. We ride skateboards.

 

• This kid loves to stare at himself in mirrors. I think I'll avoid reading him Snow White. He might develop a sense of vanity wondering if he's the fairest one of all.

 

• So far, the worst part of changing a baby's diaper is changing the Diaper Genie. The self-contained poop and stink container is fine until the snake-like bag breaks in half and oozes a whole new level of disgustingness. It's happened twice so far (from being too full), but I'm the one who looks like I need a diaper as I squat down the hall and waddle outside with the bag folded awkwardly as I try my best not to drop any “debris” on the ground.

 

So from me to you, happy parenting, grandparenting, uncling, aunting, casual observing, etc.

 

 

- Matt Nash