I am a Scorpio as are all people born between Oct. 23-Nov. 21. After that we clear the calendar for those namby-pamby Saggitarians, optimistically traveling across the pages behind us, trying to keep their feet out of their mouths.
Not a nice thing to say, you point out? Let me repeat: I am a Scorpio. Why would anyone expect “nice” from an astrological sign named for an arachnid who eats her own young if no tastier food is available? Who has not one venom gland but two just to be sure the job is nicely done.
How many nice things have you ever heard about my Scorpio brethren Larry Flynt, Charles Manson, or Danny “Throw Momma From The Train” DeVito? Scorpiohood might explain a few quirks about Prince Charles, too. And on the subject of sistren, Hillary Clinton and Ivanka Trump are both Scorpios. I’m just saying.
Let’s imagine you as a Scorpio, born under the sign whose descriptions include ruthless, heartless, jealous, vindictive and vengeful. If people think you are despicable from the second you are born, aren’t you likely to become just that? Wouldn’t you, as a Scorpio, feel a little pissy about people crossing themselves or running for cover when they see you coming?
I’m not blaming the stars for all my less positive traits, mind you. I recognize that I could use a little rage management now and then, and that it is unseemly to get such a charge out of my own jokes. But I am claiming that sensitivity training might be a wee bit harder for me than it is for you Leos and Capricorns who would never even consider the use of a poison pen or a whoopee cushion.
Actually, we Scorps can be a lot of fun. Especially if you enjoy take-out in a cemetery, painting “Porn Star” on your neighbor’s fence or fantasizing about knocking over a Hobby Lobby.
You get the drift. It is no real wonder that Halloween fits nicely in the midst of the Scorpio calendar. Gimme a good Monster Mash any day.
Here is a word of advice from the Back Nine. If a Scorpio smiles at you, she may just want to be your loyal, brave, passionate, mysterious friend. It doesn’t necessarily mean she is plotting your destruction, planning to harm your kitten or laughing at you for believing in astrological nonsense.
But just in case, always know where the exits are.
Linda B. Myers is a founding member of Olympic Peninsula Authors and writer of such books as “Fun House Chronicles” and the PI Bear Jacobs mystery series. Her newest novel, “The Slightly Altered History of Cascadia,” is now available at amazon.com. Contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org or Facebook.com/lindabmyers.author.