From the Back Nine: Feelin’ groovy

  • Wednesday, March 7, 2018 1:30am
  • Opinion

I’m writing a novel that has a character named Mrs. Borg. At my writers critique group, some smart guy pointed out that in one place, I spelled it Mrs. Bong. This led to accusations regarding my use of pot.

The last time I smoked weed was also the last time I was a flower child. Both are hazy remnants of a distant youth. But recently my sister and I have become interested in the use of dope on pain. Is it true there can be relief … or are you just a dope to believe it?

I am not a bold person so I circled the idea for a very long time. Then I circled the marijuana shops. I have my standards. It couldn’t look like a dive. It had to have “RESPECTABLE” painted across its front door. It could not have words like Reefer or Doobie in its name.

The warning we saw at the door was to leave our guns outside. These days, I suppose that is not bad advice at any retailer. Or church. Or school. But I would have preferred a welcome mat. The shop was very clean, neat and friendly. No roaches … of any kind.

The first person Sis and I met was the customer in line ahead of us. He said his name was ‘Squatch, and he looked like the real McCoy. Even without one hit, I was already hallucinating.

Next we noticed that marijuana has become a brand name business. In my day there was only Maui Wowie and Acapulco Gold. Not anymore. Dozens of names, strengths, delivery systems each with actual ADVERTISING. Posters and pamphlets. Strengths and flavors. Had I known, I would have dragged in our camp chairs for a sit-down label reading session.

Instead, a lovely clerk took us aside, easily identifying us as newbies. She was gentle. And kind. Asked our needs. Then broke into gibberish.

“High CBD?”

“Ah … “

“THC?”

“Ah … “

“Both?”

“Ah … “

“Capsule, tincture, gel, sub-lingual?”

Well, you get the idea. Decisions. Our recommended products were Flow, Relief and Happiest Self. Gotta say, the MJ folks have it all over the Pharma folks when it comes to comforting med names.

Does it work? Time will tell. Maybe it won’t stop insomnia but will stop your anxiety about insomnia. The ointment probably won’t solve the pain of bone spurs but might offer a nice warm release to joints (the kind in your body, not in your hand).

If you’ve been thinking of hauling your old crate into a shop, give it a go. Talk to a doctor or a physical therapist beforehand to feel more secure, but you will find lots of other geezers in there so you won’t feel alone. Just be aware there are lots of choices so it won’t be a fast trip. And there are no free samples.

Oh, and one more thing. It’s a lot different than buying drugs the way it used to be done. But they still don’t take plastic. So plan on crossing their palms with cash. Lots of it.

Linda B. Myers is a founding member of Olympic Peninsula Authors and author of the novel “Fun House Chronicles” and the PI Bear Jacobs mystery series. Her newest novel, “The Slightly Altered History of Cascadia: A Fantasy for Grown Ups,” is now available at amazon.com. Contact her at myerslindab@gmail.com or Facebook.com/lindabmyers.author.

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