From the Back Nine: Taking out the trash

  • Wednesday, January 2, 2019 1:30am
  • Opinion

Among my Christmas goodies, I received a dirty-word adult coloring book from Sis and a B—-H shopping bag from a close friend. I think I should work on my image in 2019.

Before I can do that, however, I need to sweep a pile of remnants out of my brain. Here are a few of the random thoughts from 2018 which need a good cleanse. Keyword: Random.

• I managed to avoid “It’s a Wonderful Life” again this year. What simplistic treacle for this day and age. The same can be said for Christmas ditties. Seven decades of the same inane lyrics regarding missing teeth, grandma-killing reindeer, and red noses will do that to you. While in grumpy confession mode, I can do without any more Nutcracker renditions, either, especially if you expect me to act adult (nutcracker is one of those cheap-shot words very hard to ignore). The rest of the Ho-Ho-Holiday season? Yeah. It’s great. Especially lights on unsuspecting trees.

• Has your mother told you what to expect in the golden years? Mine was reasonably sure there wasn’t much gold. And she failed to mention chin hairs. I am lucky that the peach fuzz on my face is mostly invisible unless I stand in bright sun (which happens about as frequently as an eclipse). I mean, I don’t need a chainsaw, at least not yet … tweezers usually handle the job. But every now and then an ornery hair develops the power of spider web which, as you probably know, is far stronger than steel. This hair roots somewhere in the vicinity of my toes. Yanking on it fails to do anything but hurt, although it does remind me of what Carol Burnett said about child birth: it’s like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

• A couple years ago, I gave up flying on commercial airlines. So far I’m doing pretty well sticking to that resolution. Of course, it means there are many places I will never see again. But it also means I never have to hear these phrases: “Your flight has been cancelled. Forever.” “Check your bag? That will be $135.” “Due to weather, your plane has been rerouted from Paris to Buffalo.” “If we ever find it, we may deliver your luggage.” “Your reservation is missing. Take the center seat between these two sumos.”

• After decades of blondeness, I’m cozying up to the idea of redhead. I started in baby steps with a slight blush of rosiness on the yellow, sort of like a golden retriever. But like crack, a little dye is never enough. Soon I’ll sport Clarabelle tresses. They’ll look good with the bow tied to one enormously long chin hair.

I’d like to think none of us has issues any more difficult than these as we enter the new year. I know that isn’t true, of course. We each grapple with personal nightmares of our own … and with a troubled country together. Let’s not give up on each other.

Linda B. Myers is a founding member of Olympic Peninsula Authors and author of the PI Bear Jacobs mystery series. Her newest novel, “The Slightly Altered History of Cascadia: A Fantasy for Grown Ups,” is now available at amazon.com. Contact her at myerslindab@gmail.com or Facebook.com/lindabmyers.author.

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