Parents want their children to do well in life. But sometimes they want this so much that they hover over their children and do far too much for them. For many children it becomes more of a battle for independence.

Even when parents help a great deal, humans seem to desperately seek independence. Babies insist about holding their bottle or picking up food for themselves. Toddlers certainly announce when they are ready for “Me do it.” Anyone who has raised teenagers knows about the fight for independence.

So how do you balance your child’s desire for independence with his need for safety and limits and your own needs for control? This issue is one that doesn’t go away as your child gets older.

It changes in some ways, but the underlying issue remains. It shows itself when your child wants to wear a certain outfit to school. It shows itself when your child wants to take his bike out onto the public street to ride to the store. It shows itself when dating comes up, and certainly when your child becomes a teen driver.

Do and don’ts

How you handle your child’s independence as a preschooler will impact how you address the independence issue throughout the growing up years. Here are a few ideas to navigate the journey to independence with your child:

Don’t hover over your child. When your child is learning to tie her shoelaces and dress herself, it is important that you not take over these things. Let her do it herself. This is one way she is learning to be her own person. For sure you want to comment about the good job she has done when she finishes.

You need to even avoid hovering over the things he is learning. You want him to learn to take normal risks. There are many things he needs to learn that will not include you. We know that there are many things a child needs help on but not on everything. Your task is to figure out which ones you need to leave to him.

When she is with new people and they ask her questions, make sure she has a chance to answer for herself. You want her to learn to reason things out on her own if she can. Even allowing her to be uncomfortable with her situation helps her learn. It’s part of growing up. Your child won’t learn if you are always doing it for them.

Pick your battles. If you find yourself butting heads with your child, ask yourself, “Will this matter in another year?” It is even desirable to let your child make decisions. As a parent you always get the final say in issues related to safety, health, and well-being.

Since you get to make the final decisions there, let your preschooler help make small decisions, such as which book to read at story time or which movie to watch at family movie night.

Offer choices as frequently as possible. One of the best ways to encourage independence and help develop critical thinking skills in young children is by offering choices. For example, many children love to choose the food they’ll eat each day, but still need some help to make good choices. Let your child pick what she will eat, but set some boundaries such as, “What vegetable would you like with your pizza.”

Don’t make your child the center of your universe. If you are there for his every need and doing for him what he can do for himself, he will have a difficult time functioning by himself in the world. You certainly don’t want what he does in life to be the primary source of validation of you and your self-worth as a parent.

Don’t label your child. Labeling your child can create a self-fulfilling prophecy for her. Certainly don’t remind one of your kids that she is “the pretty one” or “the smart one.”

Another couple of phrases you should avoid saying include “You never … ” or “You always … ”

When you say never and always you are almost always exaggerating. Words are powerful, so don’t make negative predictions about what your child will or will not become.

Process of letting go

Remember, parenting is slowly releasing responsibility to your child over time, starting when your child is in preschool. Your child should learn from the beginning that you love and support him. He should also learn that he has ideas that you are willing to hear and at times even support.

Encourage his independence because he needs to learn how to use it. At the same time, it’s your job to keep him safe and healthy by stepping in when it is necessary. All of this should be done with respect, understanding, and cooperation.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and former executive director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. To reach current First Teacher Executive Director Nicole Brewer, email nicole@firstteacher.org or call 360-681-2250.