Parenting Matters: Whining … Is there a solution?

Published 1:30 am Wednesday, May 2, 2018

After about the age of 2, most children whine from time to time — but others whine a lot. This is annoying behavior to most parents and it can be frustrating to stop.

While we understand that whining is something every child does from time to time, it is very difficult when your child does it regularly.

Children whine when they are tired or frustrated. Whining is a response to what is bothering them. For other children it is part of their style and they whine even when they are not bothered, tired or frustrated. Most parents want to change this behavior.

Here are a few pointers to decrease whining if that is your child’s style:

• Talk with him about whining. Talk about how you will try to help him learn not to whine. You need to be open with him so that you will both be working on eliminating whining.

• Whining is a way of getting attention from a parent. It can be good or bad attention, but it is attention. So see if there are some other ways to give him attention. Try to catch him being good and give him praise and attention for his good behavior. In that way you give him the attention he craves, but not when he goes about getting it in a negative or whining way.

• When your child is whining, it probably won’t help to say, “What’s wrong?” Your young child is still limited in expressing or putting his emotions into words. Try guessing what might be wrong and as, “Are you angry at your friend?” or “Are you mad because your friend went home?” or “Are you hungry?” These questions might give him some clues about why he is upset. Then he can talk about it, rather than whine about it.

• Set up some rules about whining. You need to do this when your child is not frustrated and whining. Tell him you will not give him what he asks for when he whines, but that you will think about it if he asks politely without whining.

• Give your child some alternatives to whining. Tell him to use his happy voice when he asks for something. Teach him about asking politely. Talk to him in the way you want him to talk to you so he can hear your tone of voice and your words. Once again, you are the one modeling behavior to him.

• Try not to become angry; it will only increase his whining. Try asking him if you can hold him and that might make things better or perhaps the two of you could whine together for a bit and end up laughing about it.

• Make a big deal about it when he asks without whining. Give him hugs and tell him how much he is improving. Let him know you like it when he asks in the right way.

• Talk about his improvement with others when he is listening. Tell grandma on the phone how well he is doing trying to stop whining. He is listening so let him hear that you are really pleased that he is doing so well trying to stop from whining.

You can make a huge difference. With a little patience and a lot of understanding, you will be surprised how much you can change this irritating behavior.

Maintain your cool, don’t give up, and work to eliminate whining in your home.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and former executive director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. To reach current First Teacher Executive Director Nicole Brewer, email nicole@firstteacher.org or call 360-681-2250.