Parenting Matters: Moms, guilty or not guilty

Published 1:30 am Wednesday, June 6, 2018

One characteristic of most parents is guilt. This is especially true for moms. They have not been the ideal parent they hoped they would be.

One survey done by a company in the United Kingdom found that 87 percent of moms feel some guilt and 21 percent feel guilt most of the time (“Nearly 90 percent of mothers feel guilty,” www.telegraph.co.uk).

That is a lot of guilt.

So what makes moms feel guilty? Let’s look at some of the many guilt producers:

• I yell at my child too often.

• I don’t spend enough time with my kids.

• At times I lack patience with my children.

• I feel like a lousy cook because the kids reject what I make.

• I don’t know how I should be handling social media.

• Why am I not giving my child a cell phone? Or, why did I give my child a cell phone?

• My husband and I are divorcing.

• I should be playing more with my child.

• I let my child spend too much time on the internet and not playing outside.

• Patience is not my strong point.

• I am such a failure I didn’t even have enough milk to breast feed him when he was a baby.

• I don’t even feel guilty when I leave my children.

• We don’t have enough quality time together.

• I don’t teach my child enough.

• I feel guilty because I have a job.

• I expect too much help from my children.

• My child never picks up things in his own room.

• I should be reading more to my child each day.

This isn’t a complete list, but it gives you an idea of the magnitude of small things that add to a mom’s guilt feelings.

Yes, these are things that can press your guilt button — but they are also issues that every parent of a child faces. Parenting can be very demanding. Since we have all been parented we each have strong ideas of what good parenting is. We have had a long time to think about what our parents did that was right or wrong when they raised us.

We think we know what we should do as parents. We know it means never raising your voice, preparing healthy meals for our children, going to every PTA meeting, taking our kids to every activity with a smile and all the other things we try to do to be perfect parents. It is demanding and almost impossible to never fall short and feel guilty.

Being a mom is a huge part of our identities. Anything that goes right for each of us as a parent feels like a reflection of the person we are and of our efforts and abilities. If your child gets the grades you are hoping he will, it feels like you did a good job. But if he didn’t, what did you do wrong?

Other people add to the problem when they remind you of something you did wrong or are doing wrong with your child. It can be a grandparent, a sibling, or a neighbor who comments on how you put up with poor behavior of your child. It can even be reading a column in the newspaper that tells you what you should be doing as you are raising your child (sorry about that). All of this can hurt.

So what can you do to solve your problem? How can you reduce your guilt? Actually, there is a lot you can do — but it begins with being willing to evaluate what you are doing right and what you are doing that should be changed. Some things warrant feeling guilty, but others do not. You need to separate the two.

If you slap your child for misbehaving, you should feel guilty. If you are using drugs or drinking and don’t spend time with your child because of these things, guilt is appropriate. If you restrict your child for a month because he came home late, that is overdoing punishment and deserves a guilty feeling. Frequently, many of the causes of guilt are not worthy of the guilt response.

Next week, we will write about what you can do to minimize your unwarranted feelings of guilt. There are ways to evaluate whether you are guilty or not guilty.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program. Reach current First Teacher Executive Director Nicole Brewe at nicole@firstteacher.org or call 360-681-2250.