Parents should not spank their children is what the strongly worded policy statement from the American Academy of Pediatrics said recently. This group of 67,000 physicians said that the “non-injurious, openhanded hitting with the intention of modifying child behavior” does not work and hurts the relationship between parents and their children.
These physicians said that recent studies show that this kind of punishment is associated with increased aggression and increases the likelihood that the child will be more defiant in the future.
The change in the stand of the pediatricians goes along with the changes that have been occurring in society. A poll taken in 2013 found 67 percent of parents said they spanked their children and 33 percent had not. This is far different than in 1995 when 80 percent of parents said they had spanked their children while 19 percent said they had not.
Children “need to know that you have their best interests at heart” says Elizabeth Gershoff from the University of Texas who has studied corporal punishment. If the child doesn’t trust the parent, then they’re never going to do what the parents say.
While the growing number of pediatricians and parents believe we should not hit our children, what kind of discipline would be effective? The American Academy of Pediatrics encourages parents to check out their website HealthyChildren.org.
They recommend using positive discipline that teach children to manage their behavior and keep them safe while promoting healthy development.
They recommend the following 10 ways this can be done effectively:
1. Show and tell
Use calm words and action to teach children right from wrong. Be the model for your child by remaining calm.
2. Set limits
Be clear and consistent in the rules your children can follow. Be sure to explain these rules in a way your child can understand based on his age.
3. Give consequences
Calmly and firmly explain the consequences if your child doesn’t behave. For example, tell her that if she does not pick up her toys, you will put them away for the rest of the day. Follow through right away. Don’t give in by giving them back after a few minutes. But remember, never take away something your child truly needs, such as a meal.
4. Hear your child out
Listening is important. Let your child tell you what he thinks happened before you give out the consequences. See if the misbehavior you have seen has a pattern, like if your child is feeling jealous or having problems with others. Talk with him about this rather than just giving consequences for his behavior.
5. Give your child your attention
The most powerful tool for effective discipline is attention. Your attention alone will help reinforce good behaviors and discourage others. All children want their parent’s attention.
6. Catch your child being good
Children need to know when they do something bad but they also need to know when they do something good. Notice good behavior and point it out, praising success and good tries. Be specific (for example, “Wow, you did a good job putting that toy away!”).
7. Know when not to respond
As long as your child isn’t doing something dangerous and gets plenty of attention for good behavior, ignoring bad behavior can be an effective way of stopping it. Ignoring bad behavior can also teach children natural consequences of their actions. For example, if your child keeps dropping her cookies on purpose, she will soon have no more cookies left to eat. If she throws and breaks her toy, she will not be able to play with it. Soon she will learn not to drop her cookies and to play carefully with her toys.
8. Be prepared for trouble
Plan ahead for situations when your child might have trouble behaving. Prepare them for upcoming activities and how you want them to behave.
9. Redirect bad behavior
Sometimes children misbehave because they are bored or don’t know any better. Try finding something else for your child to do.
10. Call a time-out
A time-out can be especially useful when a specific rule is broken. This discipline tool works best by warning children they will get a time out if they don’t stop, reminding them what they did wrong in as few words―and with as little emotion―as possible. With children who are at least 3 years old, you can just say, “Go to time out and come back when you feel ready and in control.” This strategy, which can help the child learn and practice self-management skills, also works well for older children and teens.
Once again, you are the model. Stay calm. Learn new things. Be open to change.
Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and former executive director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. To reach current First Teacher Executive Director Nicole Brewer, email nicole@firstteacher.org or call 360-681-2250.
