Parents really want their children to have friends, but it’s a task that parents do not make happen. Only a person can make friends with another.

Making friends involves some real skill each child needs to learn. Some children learn to make friends easily; these are children who have learned to be socially competent early in life. Most children, however, learn the necessary skill through trial and error. The more chances you give your child to be with other children, the greater the chance he will make friends.

Look at the list below. Make up stories that illustrate each problem area. Then talk with him about areas he needs to change and talk with him about it. Let him have a chance to try what you have talked about and then practice his new skill. Then, talk some more about it again.

• Doesn’t take turns

• Is a poor loser

• Lacks skills to play

• Doesn’t share

• Rarely cooperates

• Is bossy

• Is whiny

• Is too aggressive

• Is sulky

• Interrupts others

• Gets angry or upset

• Is too competitive

• Doesn’t listen

• Quits before game is over

• Gets too angry

By the time your child is in elementary school, he will hopefully develop social skills that will help him form friendships. If he is having problems with fitting in or if he feels rejected by others, he may still not know how to act around other children.

Here are a few ways to help him:

1. Find out specifically what the problem is.

2. If he is shy, gently teach him ways to meet other people. Enroll him in an activity he likes so he will be around children with similar interests; it may help spark a friendship. If the problem is fixable, such as poor behavior or poor hygiene, do what you can to help him change.

3. Share with him any similar difficulties you have experienced and how you changed the situation.

4. Encourage him to express his feelings and frustrations.

5. Look for books that will talk about wanting friends and read it together.

6. Let him know that if you don’t succeed the first time you try to make friends, it’s important to try again.

Most children ultimately learn to master the skills they need socially. If he doesn’t or if his shyness is preventing him, you may want help.

Consider talking with the school counselor or consulting a counselor for an evaluation and to learn other methods to help.

Both boys and girls may experience problems making friends. This is a problem worth confronting. Having friends is an asset that makes a difference throughout your child’s life. Give him or her the help they need.

As I finished writing this article, it became clearer than ever that the things we need to teach our children work for us, as adults, too. If you are having similar issues with a lack of friends, check to see where you might make some changes that might help.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and former executive director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which published newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents.