I have never met a parent who did not want to be a good parent. The sad part is that many parents do not know how to be a good one. No one is born knowing this skill yet millions of adults begin this long and scary journey without instructions.
So what does it take? It takes someone willing to be responsible for a child’s health, safety, social and emotional adjustment, and education for at least 18 years. It takes someone who is willing to learn, to experiment, to improve and to try again time after time. It takes someone who is ready to learn one lesson and then quickly move to the next one as the child grows and changes.
So what skills are necessary? The Child Welfare League of America sets some guidelines that are worth considering on how to be a “good parent.”
As a parent you need to talk with and listen to your child. This is a critical part of parenting. You need to make eye contact and even gentle touch when you talk with your child. You need to give clear and consistent directions. You need to remember the importance of non-verbal communication and the importance of holding a child for comfort and hugs.
As a parent you need to help build your child’s brain and body. Providing healthy meals and snacks is a key to a healthy child. At the same time, you need to encourage activity for the body that screen time cannot do. You need to be aware of your child’s efforts in school and help him be excited about learning.
As a parent you need to appreciate the value of play. Play is a child’s work. It is an important part of a child’s development and can easily be overlooked. Play is a natural way for your child to learn. Encourage this learning by trips to the library, the game farm and other places where he can learn.
As a parent you need to be open to giving information to your child. Encouraging your child to ask you questions in the early years makes it easier to ask questions as they grow older. When you are honest and open, you create trust and respect. This can prevent him from developing unsafe habits or unnecessary risks. You become a source of information from the earliest years.
As a parent you need to learn how children develop and learn about your unique child. You are the expert about your child. So if you know about all areas of a child’s development — physical, intellectual, social, emotional and moral — you can be the most help to your own child. It also reminds you that there can be special help a special child may need and that is nothing to be ashamed of. You are the special parent of a special child.
As a parent you need to respect and cherish your child’s uniqueness. Every child is different. Each has special interests and talents. Let your child sense your support for his interests and talents. Try to spend some time each day with each of your children. They need you. Do not compare one child with another or with someone outside of the family.
As a parent you need to set up your home for success. You want the routine you establish to work for everyone in the family. Talk about and enforce the rules you make so it will work for the whole family. Establish good safety habits. Enforce the family rules that work such as putting toys away, brushing your teeth, washing your hands and going to bed on time.
As a parent you need to teach your child right from wrong. This is one of life’s most important lessons. Remember that a child’s understanding of right and wrong develops slowly. Give him time. When you talk together, you teach him about morals and lay the foundation for him to develop his own moral guideline.
As a parent you need to take care of yourself. Remember that if you are tired, ill or just worn out, you will not be an effective parent. As all care takers should, eat healthfully, get enough sleep, take occasional breaks and enlist the support of family, friends and neighbors when things seem overwhelming. Parenting can be overwhelming and you need to be ready.
As a parent you need to make time for family activities. A sense of belonging is encouraged when families participate in common activities such as having meals together and sharing tasks and responsibilities. Use your family time to discuss needs and feelings, to solve problems and promote cooperation.
The more you try to be a good parent, the more likely you are to be one. It takes learning, effort, and love. Don’t skimp on any one of these important ingredients.
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Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and former executive director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. Reach Martin at pmf@olypen.com.
