By Cynthia Martin

For the Sequim Gazette

Last week we discussed how many ways moms feel guilty about their behavior. We really were not ignoring fathers, but for the most part fathers do not have the amount of guilt about parenting that mothers do.

If you are feeling guilty about how you parent, here are some ways you can make things better.

First, forgive yourself. Look at ways you can make changes you need to make and work on the ones you feel are most important and ignore some of the others.

Accept the fact that what is done is done. You can also look at what is done and see if it is really as big a deal as you thought when it happened.

Take a closer look at what you are feeling guilty about and try to see if it is really that big a deal. Maybe you did something you would not do again but it probably isn’t too bad. Remember, you have a chance to change it for the future.

Just looking at the behavior you feel guilty about gives you a chance to make the changes you need to make. Could you have handled things differently? Think about how you would. Then you can move on and forgive yourself.

The key to getting rid of your guilt is first to look at it, second to evaluate it, and the third part is to make the changes you need to make to make things better. One additional part is to believe you can do it.

While thinking about the guilt parents frequently feel, I was in someone’s office and saw a sign. It read:

“Changes

Change is life giving.

It helps us grow into someone

greater than we already are.”

I was struck by how appropriate it was. I also liked how positive it was.

The next time you feel guilty about something, take a deep breath and stop beating yourself up. Instead, say something like, “I made a mistake, but that does not make me a bad person.” Ask yourself what you can change that would make you feel better.

Good guilt

Guilt that is appropriate can spur you on to make things better as a parent. If you spend a lot of time feeling guilty over what you could have done you are more likely to end up feeling either resentment or at worst, depression. Change is better than that.

Guilt can also help us grow. It gives us a chance to look at our own behavior and change (again that word) the behavior we don’t like.

Sometimes we may not feel guilty when we really should. These are the times when we really do something wrong and we don’t see it that way. In these circumstances we actually need to learn to feel guilty for our behavior because it is simply wrong.

Pay attention to things others tell you that you should or should not do. Listen and evaluate what others say. Others aren’t necessarily correct but they may be giving you a message you should hear. You can decide.

It is somewhat like driving. You can believe you are a great driver. However, the police are only likely to give you a driving ticket if you are not doing something as well as you think you are.

Both in the case of doing something wrong in raising your child or driving poorly, you may need someone outside to say you are doing something wrong. When parents have their children taken away by Child Protective Services, they usually are doing something wrong whether they believe it or not.

Hopefully, when these poor behaviors are brought to the attention of parents doing wrong, changes will occur.

So pay attention to the changes in life that would make things better. We all can benefit from becoming someone greater than we already are.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and former executive director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. To reach current First Teacher Executive Director Nicole Brewer, email nicole@firstteacher.org or call 360-681-2250.