If you were to ask yourself, “What is the most important thing I can do to help my child succeed in life?,” what would your answer be? If you were to ask another 100 parents, most would say the answer would be to help their children believe in themselves.

If we want our children to succeed, they first must believe they can succeed.

Our children learn to believe in their own success from their parents. We have to help our children believe that they “can.” If your child believes he can … then one day he will.

How do parents lay this foundation for healthy self-esteem? They begin by setting expectations that emphasize their child’s strengths and goals that stretch her skills and expand her potential without discouraging her confidence. They encourage ways that grow the child’s self-esteem. They point out and talk about his successes so he develops an “I can” attitude. This helps to change the child’s negative thoughts about himself into positive ones.

Our children learn to believe in themselves from their parents. We send messages intentionally and unintentionally – through what we say, the looks we give, and even our body language.

We also send messages when we talk to others about our child, even over the phone. When they hear us label our child in terms that diminish self-esteem, they will believe it to be true.

But parents aren’t the only message senders. Grandparents, neighbors, teachers, and even siblings who use negative labels about a child make a huge difference. Labeling by others can be a very negative thing for a child. Here are a few negative labels that we can rephrase in a positive light:

Instead of saying your child is hyperactive, say he is energetic.

Instead of saying your child is shy, say he is cautious.

Instead of saying your child is aggressive, say he is assertive.

Instead of saying your child is unpredictable, say he is flexible.

You want to be sure that your encouragement enhances your child’s self-esteem. In order to do that, make sure it is deserved. Children know when they have really earned the praise they receive.

Positive reinforcement

Give praise when your child succeeds, right when it happens. As soon as you see the effort, give the praise immediately.

Let your child know exactly what she did well. When you are specific, your child understands.

Make sure your praise is made to the child and about the child. Don’t make comparisons. You want your child to feel the individual praise.

Repeating the praise will help your child make this new behavior a habit. Let him hear you repeat it both to him and to other people. Sharing his success with others instills a sense of pride and an eagerness to continue succeeding.

What does all this mean? It means you have a big and very important job in raising your child. So take the time to listen to what your child is saying. You want your child to know you respect what they are saying and doing in life. They need to feel you believe in them.

So don’t minimize the importance of praise and hugs. Let your child know you are proud of his accomplishments.

Let your child feel like you are his biggest fan.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and former executive director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. Reach Martin at pmf@olypen.com.