It is easy to forget about the importance of talking with your children. After all, you don’t need to reach out to talk to them because they will let you know if they have anything they need to talk about. Wrong. If you do not do the right things, your line of communication with this very important person in your life will be lost.

There are specific things you can do to help improve and/or repair a broken communication system.

Make time available to talk

Make sure you open the lines of communication. Have your child sit down and tell you about her day. When you pick her up from her friend’s house and are riding home in the car, ask how things went.

Sometimes it is good and other times it isn’t. If you are puttering around the kitchen, ask questions but encourage more than one word responses. Do it repeatedly and you will help your child open up about her life to you.

Listen to the little stuff

If you listen, more information will come. Sometimes it takes a little time and effort but that is okay. When your child knows you are listening, he is more likely to trust you enough to talk about more things in his life. This is true on the heavy issues such as sex and drugs or everyday things like schoolwork, friends and his relationship with you.

Show him articles that discuss issues you should be discussing and see what he says about them. You can even talk about issues in your own life that might help him open up about his life.

Listen between the lines

For many kids, especially teens, it is hard to talk to parents about things that really matter. Pay attention to the subjects your child struggles to talk about with you. Then take the time to make it happen.

Figure out ways to bring up topics that might be important to talk about. Something that happens to others might get him to open up about his own life.

Ask his opinion

Few things please children (or anybody else) more than being asked their opinion. Ask your child’s opinion on little and big things.

Don’t interrupt

In a national survey, more than half of children said that when they talked, their parents often or sometimes did not give them a chance to explain themselves. Give your child some extra time to explain her opinions or desires, even if you think you know what she is likely to say.

The Head of the Children’s Defense Fund wrote a message to her children (Edelman, M.W., “The Measure of Our Success: A Letter to My Children and Yours, “Harper Perennial, NY, 1992) that teach all of us about raising our children:

“I seek your forgiveness for the times I talked when I should have listened; got angry when I should have been patient; acted when I should have waited; feared when I should have delighted; scolded when I should have encouraged; criticized when I should have complimented; said no when I should have said yes and said yes when I should have said no. I did not know a whole lot about parenting or how to ask for help. I often tried too hard and wanted and demanded so much, and mistakenly sometimes tried to mold you into my image of what I wanted you to be rather than discovering and nourishing you as you emerged and grew.”

There is a lot to learn about being a parent. It is like learning to be a good partner. It all begins and too frequently ends when communication between the parties becomes hindered. Your relationship with your child is worth investing in effective communication,

When you see that it has been a long time without much talking between you and anyone important to your life, fix it. Talk about it. Think about it. Work on it. Make time for it. Make it happen.

If you need to go someplace different to make it happen, go there. If you need to close the door to have privacy, do it.

Talking together and understanding each other is a critical thing in positive relationships. Invest the time to make sure you have that understanding. Communication is really worth it.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and former executive director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. To reach current First Teacher Executive Director Nicole Brewer, email nicole@firstteacher.org or call 360-681-2250.