There is no limit to the number of times each day when you will need to set limits for your toddler. We each want our children to be able to do what they would like to do, but we also have to live with them.

Some limits we don’t even debate about; they are necessary. If it is time to go to the pediatrician, we don’t ask our toddler if this is when she wants to go see the doctor — we just take her.

We also don’t negotiate with her about her sitting in the car seat the way we think she needs to be. Some things are just beyond limits, and she just has to do them.

But there are many decisions she makes as she seeks to become more independent. She wants to pick out what she wants to wear even when it doesn’t all match. She wants to choose the book you will read tonight, even if it is the same one as the last three nights. She wants to take her bath later, not now. She wants to play with the toy that her little brother is playing with right now.

When these things don’t happen her way, expect her to throw a tantrum when you don’t agree with her.

An action plan

So what can you do? Begin by thinking about what doesn’t work. Limiting saying “no” is a good place to begin. There are other ways to set limits without using this word but still not giving in. For example, you can make it a bit of a joke when she is angry because you won’t let her eat more cookies by saying I understand you want to eat all the cookies in the world but you just can’t.

Taking a lighter approach like this may make it easier to say “no” and to hear “no.” You just don’t want your day filled with “no.”

Don’t use physical force. You might be ready to react in anger to what she is doing by a good whack. But remember that while it may relieve your anger, it only teaches your child that hitting is something big people do. That isn’t a lesson you want to teach her.

Avoid bribery. Although most parents use this from time to time you need to remember that bribery just doesn’t work in most cases. You don’t want her to expect a prize for all her behavior.

The important part of setting limits is to recognize that you need to set them. She is trying to figure out the world. She is trying to understand what is okay and what isn’t.

Setting rules

Here are some general rules when you are dealing with setting limits on your child’s behavior.

1. In order to communicate effectively with your child, know what you are going to do ahead of time.

2. Be clear what you are asking your child to do and why.

3. Get down to your child’s level to talk about the problem.

4. Avoid having an angry expression on your face. Let your voice be firm but not angry. Yelling only scares people.

5. Expect your child to be upset, but be sure that you keep calm.

6. Don’t change your mind. If you say one thing is going to happen because of her behavior, follow through. Don’t be wishy-washy. Do what you said.

7. Don’t keep explaining the situation.

8. Use humor wherever possible. A silly voice or character. You don’t need to make everything too serious.

9. Remember your child’s age. Have expectations that are developmentally appropriate Know where your child is developmentally. “Remember how much they are growing on every level — emotional, physical, mental and psychological. That they hold it together, and are pleasant as often as they are, is the real miracle!” (Sarah Mac Laughlin at twitter.com/sarahmaclaughlin)

10. Remember your child’s age. Have expectations that are developmentally appropriate. Know where your child is developmentally.

If there is something really bothering your child, maybe you need to hold her or hug her more than discipline her. Talk about what she is upset about and see if you can help.

In order for your child to follow rules and understand limits, she needs to learn to develop self-control. Self-control is a complex skill that begins to show up in the early months of life. This skill takes many years to fully develop and sometimes adults may still be struggling to learn it.

Parents who set clear and reasonable limits in the early years help the growing child learn this skill.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and former executive director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. To reach current First Teacher Executive Director Nicole Brewer, email nicole@firstteacher.org or call 360-681-2250.