We all have things we want to tell our children. We want them to understand how the world works so they can be an effective member of society.

At your child’s age this includes teaching your child how to take care of her pets, how to be a great big sister, how to be polite when she is out and why school is important. Whatever your subject is, you want to make sure you get your message across to her.

So what do you need to do to have a meaningful conversation with your child? If you really want your child to hear you talk, get down to her level physically. You want to be able to look her in the eye and say what you have to say. This isn’t something you need to do to say “Good morning” to her or “What would you like for breakfast?” This is what you do when you are having a serious conversation.

Make sure you have a two-way conversation. If you are the only one talking and not doing any listening, you are not having a conversation.

Encourage her to look you in the eye. Remember, it is possible that she can be standing right in front of you and be totally focused on something other than what you are saying. Use appropriate words when you talk to her. You really need her to understand what you are saying.

Also, you need to talk at her level. Be sure to not talk down to her. You do not want to just give orders to her because again that isn’t a conversation.

Find some understanding

If you are using new words with her, make sure she understands what you are saying. If you tell her to not be sarcastic when she talks to her brother, she may not understand the word “sarcastic.” Ask if she understands what you just said, or even have her tell you what you said. Many times a child will just smile at your and say, “Yes,” but not at all sincerely.

Get to the point. Children do not do well when it takes you a long time to say what you want to say. You have their attention when you begin and you don’t want to lose it. She will understand you the best if you are specific and get right to the point of what you want to say.

You want to avoid rambling on and on. You also do not want to go too long into an explanation. Say what you mean and get on with it.

For sure, do not yell; that is the worst way to communicate. When you yell at your kids, they are not going to listen to a thing you are saying. They are just sitting there unhappy and upset because you are yelling. Whatever you were trying to accomplish is lost. The end result is that you are both upset.

If you feel like yelling, stop and leave the room for just a bit. Take a few deep breaths, get your composure back and go back and try again. Yelling is not the trait you want to pass on to your children. You are setting an example on this kind of behavior so make sure it is something you want them to model.

Try some of these methods and see if they work for you. No matter what age your child is, you can use these ideas and work to have an effective conversation.

This is well worth the time to figure out how to do this right. You will be having many more attempts at having productive conversations so figure out how to make them work.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and former executive director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. To reach current First Teacher Executive Director Nicole Brewer, email nicole@firstteacher.org or call 360-681-2250.