Parenting Matters: A special time together

Cynthia Martin talks about the importance of communicating during meals.

I was really looking forward to having lunch with my husband recently on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. We went to a local restaurant that we go to regularly. Everything was fine to begin.

Four people came to sit in the booth next to ours. They all looked like a family. They didn’t say a lot and soon, when I looked over at them again, three of them were on their telephones. No one was talking but they were all doing something on the phones. The fourth person, a young man about 17, just looked out the window. The rest never said a word except to order their food.

I was amazed. Here is this special time together and they chose to spend the time alone.

In today’s society, this is no longer such an unusual thing. But the cost of this behavior still will be determined. It isn’t unusual in a busy society that the time we spend talking with each other is somewhat limited. One of the best times to do this talking is during meals.

Seldom is this shared time done at breakfast when each person is in a hurry to get ready for the day’s activities. A few people get special talking time on weekends when everyone is home. Many people eat dinner together.

Hopefully, in these times of togetherness they become times of sharing and times of bonding. That won’t happen when someone is on the phone playing games, talking to someone else not at the table, or watching clips and checking Facebook.

We need to depend on today’s parents to set the guidelines and rules about the use of the phone. Unfortunately, in many homes the parents are the perpetrators of the negative behavior demonstrating to their children that it is okay to be the one the phone.

I have seen couples go out for the evening and each of them spend time on the phone. I have seen babies with no interaction with their parents because the parents spent all their lunchtime on their electronic devices.

I love my phone but not for 24 hours a day. I want my children to keep up with information in this digital society but not at the cost of destroying or preventing the development of a relationship with another person.

Setting boundaries

Set the rules for your family. No one should bring their phone to the table. You are not restricting their ability to use this device, but you are putting limits on it just like we put limits on driving and being on the phone or texting and driving. We set rules for our children about what they can wear when they go out with us.

We set rules about what they can order when they are out with us. We want them to say “Please” and “Thank you” and we tell them when they forget. These are expectations we have for our children to participate in society and to learn to develop close relationships with others.

Rules are something we all live with. The hardest rules to enforce are the ones we are breaking. So look at your own behavior and ask yourself if this is what you want your child to emulate.

You are the model for your child’s behavior. Make sure you are modeling the kind of behavior you want to see.

 

 

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. Reach Martin at pmf@olypen.com or at 681-2250.