Few of us dream of becoming a stepmother or stepfather. Yet over 60 million adults are in stepparent situations.

Unfortunately, even the word stepmother may have the images of the evil stepmother. So when you become a stepmother, you begin with something to overcome. This is much truer for women, stepmothers, than for men, stepfathers. Yet stepparents who decide to become effective parents can add significantly to their child’s life.

Here are some general guidelines but the most important ingredient is a strong desire to succeed:

Be realistic. When you first enter a child’s life, you will find confusion, uneasiness, wariness, and neediness that will help you overcome the beginning stage.

Expect to be tested, to feel left out, and to feel like second place from time to time. It isn’t easy for children to figure out what to do with you, the new person in their life.

Expect love to take time and patience. Even the love you experience from a child born to you takes time.

Prepare for hard work to be a part of the process. Parenting is hard work. It is a bit harder yet when you begin somewhere in the middle of a child’s life.

Suggestions

As a stepparent, make an extra effort to welcome your stepchildren into your home and your life. Find ways to show them how glad you are to have them around. Let them know you are interested in them. Display their artwork around the house. Don’t ignore them even if they’re ignoring you.

Be ready to give lots of positive attention to your stepchildren and they will, after some time, get the message that you really care about them.

It isn’t easy being a stepmother. The problems are usually the result of being a successor to the first wife and mother and you are viewed as the intruder. Becoming a stepmother, you assume a caring adult role long before you are viewed as “mother.”

You assume many “mothering” responsibilities and among them are being compassionate and flexible. But don’t insist on being called “Mom” or you are in for trouble. In fact, you may need to try to establish a working relationship with the children’s mother.

It is important to remember that while you may be number two mother for your stepchildren, that doesn’t put you in second place with your husband. Don’t let all the trappings of being a stepparent interfere with your primary relationship as his wife.

Stepparents must be realistic about the role they will play in a child’s life. If they expect to take the place of mom or dad, they will be disappointed. Rather, they need to be willing to listen for what the child really needs from them. Then they will be able to build towards a bond that can develop into something as precious as parenthood. Remember that this takes time.

It is important to remember that millions of parents are struggling just like you. Get the help you need from others, books, and talking with your partner.

This isn’t an easy process but it is an important one. It is also a very rewarding job.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. Reach Martin at pmf@olypen.com or at 681-2250.