As a parent you have quite a bit of power. Most of it is because your child wants to have you like what she does.

However, it is important at times to exercise your power when your child repeatedly does something wrong or because it is a really big problem.

So how do you make the consequence fit the “crime.”

First, make it very clear to your child exactly what the rules are and what is expected of her. Look at her and use a firm voice. Have her repeat what the rule is so you know for sure she understands.

When she follows the rules or does what you have requested, make sure she knows that you are pleased.

Here are some general ideas to keep in mind as you try to help your child understand the consequences.

• Don’t come up with consequences when you are very angry with what has happened. Know ahead of time potential consequences if your child does the wrong thing. If you don’t know what consequences you want to use, tell her you will let her know shortly and decide on your own.

• Use warnings whenever you can. This gives your child a chance to focus on doing the correct thing. Children also feel that when they have been warned, they feel that consequences are more fair and they are less likely to view themselves as victims.

• Make the consequence fit the crime. Don’t overdo them. You want to use increasingly more serious consequences so begin gradually.

• Be sure the consequences are appropriate for your child’s age. Not only should the consequences be age-appropriate, so should the expectations.

• If the consequence doesn’t seem to make a difference, try a new approach. Are you being clear? Are you reinforcing it when she does the right thing? Are you being consistent? Are you undermining the consequence by letting her off the hook early or by not following through?

Follow-through

So what are some consequences you can use that seem to work? Try some of these and see if they help.

Time-out: Time-out helps by giving a time to think about it and it avoids the problem from becoming an angry argument. Time-out for a 3-year-old is very different than for a 12-year-old.

Take away possessions: Taking away important things that your child values such as toys, games, bicycles, TV or computers helps your child experience a feeling of loss. It can be followed up by earning back any item taken by good behavior.

Take away privileges: “Grounding” can be an effective consequence. This involves not letting friends come over or preventing her from calling or having contact can deter future misbehaving.

Working it off: When a child damages or loses her own possession, she experiences the natural consequence that she no longer has it. If it is someone else’s property, she should learn that it is important to replace what she is responsible for.

Apologize: Learning to apologize is a valuable lesson. Some children do this easily and others fight it tooth and nail. Teach about apologizing in the early years.

Confession: Even more difficult to do than to apologize, confessions makes us recognize that what we did was wrong. Confession and apologizing don’t erase the need to still face the consequences of what she did.

Early bedtime: Always remember that a quick consequence for your child losing control can be to send her to bed. There may even be a connection between her behavior and being tired, especially if she is fairly young.

Extra work: This can be a help to you as well as a lesson for your older child. It really shows your child that you won’t let inappropriate behavior go unchecked.

The most important lesson in using consequences or paying the price for bad behavior is one parents need to learn. You need to make sure that whatever you tell your child that you are going to do, you do it. Don’t make threats. If you don’t follow through on what you have said you would, your child will learn to ignore what you say. Each time that lesson is taught, it makes the next consequence seem less likely to work.

Consequences need to be age-appropriate, fair, clear and completed. All of these are critical for them to be effective.

Parents have a critical role to play in making sure a child pays for inappropriate behavior.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. Reach Martin at pmf@olypen.com or at 681-2250.