Disciplining children takes a lot of work to find the method that works best for you. You want to find a way that will be effective in getting your child to change his or her behavior. Research has shown that one method which does not work is spanking.

Experts at the University of Texas and University of Michigan recently released a compelling study on spanking and its effectiveness. They analyzed years of research involving over 160,000 children. The study found that spanking “increases the likelihood of child aggression, anti-social behavior, mental health issues and cognitive problems.”

These researchers and others who study the effectiveness of different discipline methods say that problem solving, effective consequences and holding kids accountable is more likely to give you the results you are trying to achieve.

Yet, even with this strong evidence that spanking isn’t effective, parents frequently are tempted to spank their child. Kids know how to push your buttons and they do.

Many parents spank their child because they don’t know what else to do. The latest research supports that spanking teaches children to use acts of aggression and violence to solve their problems. It teaches and encourages more violence. This is the very opposite of where we want our society to go. So, what can we do instead?

• Get calm

First, if you feel angry and out of control and you want to spank or slap your child, leave the room if at all possible. Calm down. This is a time to think of a different way to handle the problem. If you can’t leave the situation, at least step back and count to 10. • Be sure you are taking time for yourself.Parents who spank frequently are parents who haven’t had any time to themselves. Instead, be the parent who exercises, reads and takes a walk.

• Be kind but firm

Another reason parents tend to spank is when their child hasn’t listened to repeated requests to behave. Instead of spanking, try getting down to his eye level, touch him gently and tell him in a short kind but firm manner, what it is you want him to do. For example, “I want you to stop throwing your food.”

• Give choices

Giving your child a choice is a helpful alternative to spanking. If she is playing with her food at the table ask, “Would you like to stop playing with your food or would you like to leave the table?” If she continues to play with her food, you use kind but firm action by helping her down from the table. Then tell her that she can return to the table when she is ready to eat her food without playing with it.

• Use logical consequences

Make sure that how you punish your child is logically related to what he did. For example, if he breaks a friend’s toy and you punish him by spanking him, what does he learn? One thing he learns is that he needs to hide his mistakes, blame someone else for his mistakes, lie or try not to get caught. When you spank your child, he may behave because he is afraid.

Instead, help your child see that he needs to replace the toy he broke. What does the child learn in this situation? He learns that mistakes are a part of life. It isn’t so important that he made the mistake but that he needs to take responsibility by repairing the mistake.

• Let conflict cool down

Children who talk back at parents may provoke a parent to slap. In this situation, it is best if you withdraw from the situation immediately. Do not leave the room in anger or defeat. Calmly say, “I’ll be in the next room when you want to talk more respectfully.”

• Be persistent

Instead of smacking an infant’s hand or bottom when she touches something she isn’t supposed to, firmly pick her up and take her away from the situation. Give her a toy or another item to distract her and say, “You can try again later.” You may have to take her out several times if she is persistent.

• Give warnings ahead of time

Children frequently throw tantrums when they feel powerless in a situation. Instead of telling your child he has to leave his friend’s house at a moment’s notice, tell him that you will be leaving in five minutes. This allows him to complete what he was doing.

Aggression is a form of violence. A subtle form of this is spanking because it takes a toll on a child’s self-esteem, causing him to be rebellious and uncooperative. Imagine a family that operates with cooperation and creatively to solve their problems without using force or violence.

This is the kind of life we all hope to have. It begins early in a child’s life. So remember, you can’t punish kids into better behavior.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. Reach Martin at pmf@olypen.com or at 681-2250.