Most parents don’t think a lot about what others think of their parenting. Most of the time parenting is done at home without an audience. But each of us should remember that many of your parenting jobs are done rather openly with many different people assessing your skill.

I recently was in line in a discount store waiting my turn to check out. A mother, certainly a tired one, was talking very crossly to her child who was probably 3 years old. She reached down to grab him and he took off. She yelled at him and he kept running. When she finally caught him she smacked him on his face and he then was the one to yell.

I wasn’t the only one who assessed her lack of parenting skill on that day. It made many uncomfortable. Most of us just looked away and were embarrassed for her.

Another time I was leaving a swimming pool and saw a mother hit her child for her behavior. I didn’t know what the child had done but it was not a gentle hit. I wondered how much harder she would hit if she weren’t in public.

I watched a father take his little 4-year-old girl to lunch at a nice restaurant. It was just the two of them. While he waited for their food to arrive, he pulled out a couple of books he had with him and to her delight read them to his little one. Then he talked with her about the things they could see outside. She was totally involved.

So what should we do when we see this kind of behavior from good and from bad parents? Some would say we should do nothing. Others would say we should comment to both the good and the bad. I lean toward saying something. I think about the response you get from people when you say something positive to them as they enter a restaurant and wish them a good meal. Just taking the time to say something to people can make a big difference. I think that is true for saying something to parents who are doing a really nice job with their children.

It is certainly more difficult to handle the parent or any person who is doing something really wrong. One mom I knew certainly did a nice job. She was in a group and one mom said how upset she got with her children when she was tired. A second mom in the group who didn’t really know the tired mom said she would be happy to take her child anytime and gave her a phone number to reach her. Would you do something as generous?

Leading by example

This reaching out to help people or to reward people by commenting on positive behavior is more common in small towns or in towns from the past. Perhaps this is the behavior we need to encourage.

Since dealing with the negative behavior can be far more difficult, maybe we should start with the positive behavior. Maybe if a big deal is made out of the positive behavior, the negative behavior will just start to go away. Just by talking about positive behavior, children learn that it is far better than negative behavior.

Now that is a great New Year’s Resolution. Emphasize the positive. Keep your eyes open to good things happening around you.

Tell your friend how nice her hair looks or what a great-looking shirt she is wearing.  Talk about the good things in life and how great they are.

At dinner tonight, talk about the good behavior of your child or of your boss or your mother-in-law.

Talking about the positives at dinner probably will make dinner taste better than ever.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. Reach Martin at pmf@olypen.com or at 681-2250.