Raising children isn’t an easy job. There is a lot of work involved and not a lot of thank-yous to go with it. It can be frustrating to say the same things over and over and still not have your child do what you want her to do. You even can use restrictions or have consequences when things aren’t going the way you want them to go and it still may not work.

So what is a parent to do?

If asking, scolding, yelling and punishing don’t work, you need to try another tactic. Try praising.

Change how you interact with her. If most of your interactions with her are about things you are unhappy with, she will soon try to avoid you altogether. Anyone who is at all smart will avoid someone who is always unhappy with them.

Make sure you spend time letting her know you are pleased with her. That doesn’t mean you have to like everything she does, it just means you need to look for the things she does that you do like.

Let her know when you are happy with what she has done. You can let her know you are pleased by giving her a high five, a smile or a hug. Let her see your enthusiasm with what she has done and be specific. It helps to say, “Great job putting your dishes into the dishwasher!” is better and works better than just saying, “Great job!”

Don’t encourage her to be disobedient by giving it a lot of attention. If you focus on defiance, it actually may increase the very behavior you don’t like. Try actually walking away from her behavior when it is annoying. Even walking away sends her the message that her annoying behavior doesn’t work.

Instead of getting angry, stay calm. This will help your child calm down, too. If you must punish, make it brief. Longer and harsher punishment doesn’t make it any more effective and may work just the opposite.

Another way to help change your child’s behavior is to try a reward system and make a game of doing what you ask her to do. Give a point each time she does what you ask her to do right away. If she doesn’t do it, you can say that you see she isn’t ready but you will try again later. If she then turns around after you have said that and does what you asked, praise her but don’t give her a point. You want to get her to do what you ask right away without complaining about it.

Think about her strengths and spend time pointing them out to her. What does she do really well? Can she draw? Does she relate well with animals? Can she help with little children? Does she ask really good questions? Does she dress particularly well? Think about her strengths. Everyone has some; what are hers?

Maybe you have to look even harder. Does she sleep well? Is she polite? Does she complete her chores when she is supposed to? Is she a regular tooth brusher or does she at least keep up with her daily dental chores? Does she eat her vegetables?

When you think about her strengths, it helps you think about her more positively. Even that change will help you more positively see the things she is doing well. When she hears you praise her strengths, she feels more positively about herself, too.

The main thing is to spend more time praising your child for what she is doing and less time being unhappy with her. Dr. Alan Kazdin, of the Yale University Parenting Center which specializes in defiant children, says that you should be praising your child’s behavior 90 percent of the time and punishing only 10 percent of the time. He says that if you notice your child’s good behavior and give it positive attention, the child will do more of it.

In other words, change your behavior and your child will change hers.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and director of Parenting Matters Foundation. Reach Martin at pmf@olypen.com or at 681-2250.