From the Back Nine: Acronyms say it all

  • Wednesday, April 1, 2020 1:30am
  • Opinion

I didn’t have children. Like Butterfly McQueen, I suffer from KNBBBD also known as ‘Know Nothin’ ’Bout Birthin’ Babies Disorder.”

Everything today is a syndrome, a condition, a dysfunction. RLS, STD, IBS, GAD. You get the idea (BTW, the language of texting hasn’t helped with RAS, Ridiculous Acronym Syndrome).

Of course, some acronyms punctuate very serious problems; these are not the ones I’m addressing here so please don’t complain, because I don’t RSVP to FAQs unless they are SWAK. I’m just saying.

I’m talking here about those acronyms that are disorders of the hour. You can feel rather left out if you don’t have your own acronym to discuss at the next cocktail party (should we ever again be allowed to gather within a three foot distance of each other).

I thought I would come up with a few suggestions that you are welcome to use, for reasons of your own. Let’s face it. It’s a lot easier to say you have PYND than to admit that your disorder is Picking Your Nose. I hasten to add that the WHO or CDC have not officially recognized the following conditions.

DDD is a common dysfunction for those who mysteriously disappear when it’s time to clear the table. Dishpan Diarrhea Disorder is particularly widespread in households with teens.

Do you feel warn down? Enjoy a good sulk? My Aunt Mary would say you suffer SOMS — or Suck On The Mop Syndrome. This situational depression is largely related to viewing too much news.

JASS is so pervasive we all have a friend or spouse who suffers it. Just A Second Syndrome has no known cure, affecting those who have it with chronic lateness and wastage of others’ time. It results in a corresponding condition known as IAS, Irritated Acquaintance Syndrome.

The best treatment for PMS is to Purchase More Shoes …you are a MORC if your Middle of the Road Condition makes you a bore … if you often put your foot in it, you no doubt suffer IBM, or Irritating Big Mouth.

No doubt, several new disorders will be the fallout from our COVID-19 situation, although we can hope these will be short-lived during our Shelter In Place Isolation, soon to be known as SIPI.

Three of the most generally recognized symptoms of SIPI are:

• NTSD (No Televised Sports Depression)

• GLOLS (Grumpy Little Old Lady Syndrome)

• AWG (Accelerated Weight Gain)

Be safe, be well, be like the toes next to your big ones who are practicing TLPSH, or This Little Piggy Stayed Home. The best to you and yours.

Linda B. Myers is a founding member of Olympic Peninsula Authors and author of “Fog Coast Runaway,” historical fiction available on Amazon.com or at local retailers. Contact her at myerslindab@gmail.com.

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