From the Back Nine: The wrong crowd

  • Wednesday, April 5, 2017 1:30am
  • Opinion
From the Back Nine: The wrong crowd

Before moving to the left side of the country, I spent three decades in Chicago writing ads for clients, national and local.

One thing I learned early on is that nobody wants to see your ad, especially if you insist on targeting the wrong audience.

Case in point. This morning I received an email from my insurance company. They’ve insured me for decades. They KNOW I’m older than Godzilla (the original). And yet they sent me a mailing about motorcycle insurance under the guise of tips for my safe riding.

They started with helpful pointers like this: When you are riding, there’s not much between you and the pavement.

Now really. If they kept in mind my age, they wouldn’t be saying “wear non-slip gloves” or “choose goggles with safety glass.” They’d be saying, “For the love of all that’s holy, get the hell off that bike and back up on the porch rocker where you belong.”

They wouldn’t advise “know your bike’s limits.” They’d say, “Either clear up those cataracts or you’re gonna skin off what’s left of your sorry backside when you hit the highway.”

I ranted on and on about this until my sister reminded me of a driving trip we took through the Arizona desert. Parched, we pulled into a roadside grocery at the same time a motorcycle gang swept in, on what I believe are called crotch rockets. Colorful. Anyway, as they removed their helmets, we were expecting to ogle a whole bunch of James Deans.

Instead, each looked like Gabby Hayes.

So OK, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe my insurance company is right to think I might blossom into Motorcycle Momma or some elderly gent’s Old Lady. But in that case, I think I will edit a few of their “tips” to fit my lifestyle:

Them: Wear shoes that cover your ankles.

Me: Wear shoes that cover your ankles and are cute.

Them: Wear a helmet that meets federal safety standards.

Me: Wear a full body suit that exceeds NASA standards.

Them: Test the lights, brakes and turn signals.

Me: Test the lights, brakes and turn signals. Then get off the bike.

Them: Check the cables to be sure they aren’t frayed.

Me: What cables?

Feel free to add to the list. I’m sure you have many fine suggestions of your own before hitting the road on your hog this spring.

Linda B. Myers is a founding member of Olympic Peninsula Authors and writer of such books as “Fun House Chronicles” and the Bear Jacobs mystery series. Her newest novel, “Bear At Sea,” published in March, is now available at amazon.com. Contact her at myerslindab@gmail.com or Facebook.com/lindabmyers.author.

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