By Cynthia Martin
For the Sequim Gazette
If you’re a parent of more than one child, chances are you’ve heard it echoing down the hallway:
“She took my charger!”
“He hit me first!”
“That’s my hoodie!”
Yes, the sibling showdown has become part of the chat once again. Take heart: You are not alone. Fighting is (unfortunately) normal.
Most siblings fight, a lot. And believe it or not, they often like it. According to child development expert Louise Bates Ames, author of “He Hit Me First – When Brothers and Sisters Fight,” this back-and-forth isn’t always a sign of deep conflict. In many cases, it’s just how kids relate, especially in close quarters.
Ames offers a refreshing perspective: rather than trying to eliminate all fights (an impossible task), it’s more productive to manage them in a way that doesn’t drive you over the edge.
Tips to stay sane
Here are some key strategies from Ames and other parenting pros to help make sibling fighting more bearable.
Accept the inevitable: Most siblings fight often, and even enjoy it. Don’t take every spat as a crisis.
Give yourself a break: If the noise is too much, it’s okay to retreat. A closed door and noise-canceling headphones can work wonders.
Set a physical harm line: Make it clear that physical aggression is not allowed. You may not stop every hit, but draw the boundary anyway.
Avoid becoming the referee: Don’t let them cast you in the role of judge and jury for every disagreement. Unless there’s real harm being done, let them work it out.
Notice the good moments: If it feels like they’re always fighting, try keeping track of how often they actually get along. You may be pleasantly surprised.
Take the long view: Sibling relationships usually improve over time. Years from now, they may be each other’s closest allies.
Use humor when you can: A lighthearted comment can sometimes snap them out of conflict better than a lecture. Laughter diffuses tension.
Don’t feed the drama: The more upset you get, the more attention the fight gets — and the more likely it is to keep happening.
Reframe the question: Instead of asking, “How can I stop the fighting?” try, “How can I help them get along better?”
Remember it’s normal: Sibling rivalry is a typical part of growing up. It is not a threat to your family’s happiness.
Manage, don’t eliminate: Expect conflict. Accept it as part of the deal. Do your best to manage it calmly.
Reflect on your own childhood: Chances are you had your fair share of scraps with your own siblings — and you turned out fine, right?
Final thought
In the age of digital distractions, remote work, and constant togetherness, it’s no wonder kids find new ways to push each other’s buttons. But just as you once did with your siblings, they too are learning how to assert themselves, negotiate, and — eventually — show up for one another.
So next time you hear the inevitable “Mooooooom!” echo through the house, take a breath. Smile, if you can. And know that someday, they might just laugh about it together — just like you do now.
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Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and former executive director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which published newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents.
