By Cynthia Martin
For the Sequim Gazette
Alcohol is an issue most parents are forced to handle. It can be a minor problem or a major one.
When it comes to teens and alcohol, many parents wait to have the conversation until there’s a visible problem. But by then, the opportunity to guide your child through difficult decisions may have already passed.
Even if you’re certain your teen isn’t drinking, now is the time to talk. Why? Because whether your child chooses to drink or not, they may still find themselves in situations where alcohol is present. They need your voice in their head long before peer pressure kicks in.
Many parents assume drinking isn’t something they’ll need to worry about until college. But research tells a different story. More than 40% of high school students report having been drunk at least once before graduation. That means your teen is likely already being exposed to decisions around alcohol, whether you know it or not.
It’s also important to understand the law. For minors, even a small amount of alcohol can result in a citation. It’s not about the level of intoxication — it’s about possession and consumption underage. The legal consequences can be real and long-lasting.
One wise parent I spoke with created a simple but powerful strategy to help her daughter stay safe. Together, they discussed what might happen if the teen found herself at a party where alcohol was being used — or if she had made the choice to drink and needed a safe way out.
The solution? They came up with a code phrase.
If the teen ever needed to leave a party, she could call home and say something like, “Hey, I just remembered my cousin is arriving tonight. I need to come home to help get ready.” It was a harmless excuse that wouldn’t raise suspicion among her peers, but the message to her parent would be clear: Come get me. I need help.
Just as important: the parent made a promise — no punishment, no judgment. The goal wasn’t to shame or lecture, but to keep their child safe. That agreement built trust, and that trust made it more likely their teen would reach out when it mattered most.
Act now
Start the conversation early. Don’t wait until your teen is heading out the door to a party. Talk openly and regularly about alcohol, peer pressure, and safety.
Focus on safety, not shame. Your child needs to know they can come to you — even if they’ve made a mistake. Make it clear that their safety is your top priority.
Create an exit strategy. Work together to come up with a phrase or plan they can use to leave an unsafe situation without fear of embarrassment or discipline.
Reinforce the legal consequences. Let them know that underage drinking is more than a “bad choice” — it can come with real legal and personal consequences.
Be the trusted adult. The more your teen sees you as someone who listens, not lectures, the more likely they are to come to you when it matters most.
Conversations about alcohol can be uncomfortable, but avoiding them doesn’t make the risks disappear. By opening the door now, you give your teen the tools, confidence, and trust they need to make smart choices in the moment. Even one open conversation can make all the difference.
Already drinking?
If you’ve discovered that your teen has already begun experimenting with alcohol, don’t panic, but don’t ignore it either. This is a crucial moment to reinforce your role as a steady, supportive adult in their life.
Here’s how to handle it:
Start with empathy, not anger.
You may feel disappointed or scared — but remember your teen may already feel the same way. Reacting with fury or shame can shut down communication. Begin with concern, saying something such as, “I want to understand what happened and what you’re going through.”
Ask thoughtful questions.
Why did they choose to drink? Was it peer pressure, stress, curiosity, or something else? Understanding their reason why helps you respond appropriately.
Have a clear but calm conversation about risks.
Teens often underestimate how alcohol affects their judgment and body. Talk about the very real risks to their safety, future goals, and legal standing, especially if driving or sexual activity is involved.
Use it as a teachable moment.
Don’t just focus on punishment. Use this as an opportunity to build decision-making skills, offer guidance, and problem-solve for the future.
Re-establish expectations.
Let your teen know where you stand moving forward. Be firm about your family’s rules around underage drinking — but also be clear that your door is always open if they need help.
Monitor and support.
Keep an eye on changes in mood, school performance, friendships, or behavior. Drinking may be a one-time choice — or a signal of deeper issues. If needed, reach out to a school counselor, therapist, or family doctor for guidance.
Stay connected.
Teens who feel close to their parents are less likely to engage in risky behavior. Continue to show up for your teen with consistency, compassion, and curiosity.
Remember, if your child is already drinking, the most important thing is not to give up on the conversation. Mistakes don’t mean the end of the story — they’re often just the beginning of deeper trust, connection, and growth.
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Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and former executive director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which published newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents.
