As violence has become more of an issue in our society, it is increasingly important that we teach young people about positive ways to solve problems. Actually we all need to learn to solve problems peacefully. Learning how to do this begins at home. Here are some ways your behavior can help teach your child.

Stay calm if possible. When people, including family members, get angry, they frequently say things they wish they had not. Even if what they say isn’t too bad, they even need to learn how to say it in a non-angry way. Talk to him about breathing deeply and relaxing as much as possible. Let him see you trying these techniques successfully.

If all else fails, talk with him about leaving bad situations when they get out of control. Walking away may be the best choice.

Meet together as a family. Talk through problems that are developing in your family. Think about what has caused poor behavior from anyone in the family. Then talk together about what is happening. Having these discussions encourages all the members in the family to learn that talking, not fighting will solve problems.

Don’t have only problems discussed in these family times. You can also have family nights where you play games or talk about fond memories. Talking about problems should only be from time to time.

Teach your child by example. If your child sees you solving problems with words, he is likely to imitate your behavior. He will imitate your behavior in many circumstances so if you use physical methods to solve problems so will he. Make sure the examples you set are the ones that encourage a positive, peaceful solution to arguments he sees you having.

Cut down on the negative examples in his life. Talk about problems that your child has experienced or seen a school. Talk about how those could have been handled differently. Even see if he can figure out different ways tough situations could be handled.

Pay attention to your child’s behavior when he has friends over to play. If you see things that might have been handled better, talk about them together.

Talk and show the importance of empathy. Effective communication requires “tuning in” to your child. Put yourself in his shoes and be sympathetic about his situation. When issues are calmly and reasonably discussed, it helps him learn to be empathetic in dealing with others. When he feels you are with him and understand him, you are teaching him about empathy.

Problem-solving

Along with talking together about ways to solve problems the other important part of learning to live peacefully is by demonstrating that method. Try some of the following techniques:

• Don’t get angry easily. Keep your voice calm and explain the problems in a calm manner.

• Don’t raise your voice, in fact, lower it. This alone decreases the negative flow of the discussion.

• Make an agreement to discuss the problem for a limited time. Talking together for ten minutes is probably enough. Take it up again later when each of you cool off.

• If you find yourself getting angry with your child frequently, see if your partner might be able to be more involved and to keep the situation from getting angrier than you would like.

• If the discussion gets more heated than you would like it to be, have each of the people involved write about what they think would help. This keeps things on a positive note.

• Make sure that you end the argument or discussion on a positive note. It never hurts to say “I love you” when the discussion is over.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and former executive director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. To reach current First Teacher Executive Director Nicole Brewer, email nicole@firstteacher.org or call 360-681-2250.