There is a great deal to learn about teenagers. Researchers are looking at how our brains develop from the earliest years of life all the way until the brain diminishes with age. So it isn’t just the teen brain that confuses us. It is the brain.
We know that in the first years of life, a child’s brain shows remarkable development. We know that parents are key in these early years in helping a child to begin learning. We see the great changes as a child learns to read and spell. We see how a child learns about manners and about kindness.
The changes parents see are so dramatic that many times we think they will slow down. They don’t.
New research is showing us that the teen brain is different than we used to think. We now know that it is changing and continuing its growth. It is not finished.
Adults in process
One area that is especially being studied is the so-called executive functions. This includes planning, setting priorities, organizing thought, suppressing impulses, and weighing the consequences of one’s actions.
Researchers have found that this part of the brain is not finished developing until the young adult is around the age of 20. This is why teenagers may not be responsible enough because they are not finished maturing.
This new research is now looking at the fact that the teen brain is not finished in adolescence. Recognizing that the brain continues to change and trying to help parents and even society understand what that means is a task for all of us.
Understanding the changes in the brain mean carefully learning about the drive for independence, sleep issues, mental health issues, responsible driving, planning ahead, and making good decisions. For parents, this means “hang on” because you are still very important.
Remember, you cannot be too loving. Do not forget to set limits and stick with them. Be sure to stay involved.
It’s tricky being a parent. Growing up doesn’t necessarily mean growing away. No matter what age your child is, children never outgrow the need for parents. Children do, however, need parents differently as they mature.
If parents can make a gradual transition from an emphasis on protecting and controlling during the early years to teaching and supervising during the adolescent years to advising and guiding during the early adult years they will change their parenting in a healthy way.
So while you wait for more information from research to tell you about ways the brain is changing, take some advice from your teen about communication:
1. No lectures
2. Make it short and sweet
3. Talk about everything honestly
4. Compromise
5. Don’t talk down
6. Listen to us; don’t talk over us
7. Don’t repeat yourself
8. If we have the guts to tell you what we did wrong, don’t be mad and don’t overreact
9. Don’t pry or give us the third degree
10. Skip the 20 questions
It is pretty clear from the advice from teens that their brains are functioning very well.
Actually, the best kept secret about parenting, is that it goes on forever. Don’t be surprised if you still have a role as a parent when your children are in their 50s and you are in your 70s and your grandchildren are in their 30s. Parenting does go on forever.
Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and former executive director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. To reach First Teacher Executive Director Patty Waite, email patty@firstteacher.org or call 360-681-2250.
