Parenting Matters: Balanced parenting

Published 1:30 am Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Almost all parents want to do a good job of parenting. Trying to figure that out is not an easy task.

It is a matter of trying to help your child learn right from wrong, teaching him to be tolerant, disciplining misbehavior, following through on what you say, helping him learn, correcting his inappropriate behavior, rewarding him when he does the right things, and so on and on.

Where is a parent to begin?

Maybe learning to be a parent should begin with thinking a little bit about balance. Of all the things you want to be sure of is that you have a fair share of letting your child know how important he is to you. Certainly as part of balanced parenting there will be a place for “no” but that is a small portion not the major part.

There are about 2,000 days from the time your child is born to when he begins kindergarten. The amazing thing is that every day you have with him is a chance to let him know you love him, you value him, you are delighted he is yours and you want what is good for him. That’s all.

So how do you do that when there are so many little things that need to be corrected, so much for him to learn, so many ways he frustrates you or makes you angry? The answer is balance. Make sure that in each of these first 2,000 days that each one has a share of love that he feels from you.

If you have the right balance to begin your child’s life, it will help you maintain it. Make sure there is not a day that goes by that is missing ways that your child hears that you love him.

After you complete this first 2,000 days, then begin to do the same for the next 2,000 days until he is 10 years old. If you start out with the right balance of positive comments and letting him know he is loved, you have the right balance in parenting. Then it is easier to keep in going through adolescence and into adulthood.

But you can’t just keep saying “I love you. I love you. I love you.” You need to show it. You show it by getting down on the floor and playing rough and tumble. He feels your love when you crawl into bed with him at night and read him a story. When you comfort him after he has hurt himself, he knows you are with him.

When you hug him after he has messed up something rather than punish him, that is as good as saying “I love you.” When you take the time to talk with him when you are busy, he feels important to you. Thanking him for things he does for you lets him know you appreciate him.

Even when he does something totally wrong, letting him know this is a way to learn and that you know he will try harder to do the right thing next time is a loving statement from you.

Show him you are a balanced parent when you do these kinds of things and never miss a day. Don’t miss a day no matter how busy you are or how upset you may be about something. Hugs and telling him how important he is always should be a major part of the parenting routine.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, the poet, said it emphatically. He said “A torn jacket is soon mended, but hard words bruise the heart of a child.”

Keep your parenting balanced with taking care of the tough things but doing it with love and gentleness. That is one of the best lessons you can teach.

Take stock of your own parenting balance even when it is Mother’s Day.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and former executive director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. Reach Martin at pmf@olypen.com.