Parenting Matters: What do you expect?

Published 1:30 am Wednesday, July 12, 2017

We all have expectations for our children. Actually, we all have expectations for most relationships we have.

Expectations can be helpful guidelines as relationships develop or they can be problems that override the positives that exist in that relationship.

Let’s look at your expectations. First, we all need to acknowledge that our children can mess up. They can really make us unhappy when they do the very thing we asked them not to do.

Sometimes they don’t listen and they may even lie to us with some regularity.

But sometimes we have expectations that are too high for a child to succeed. Just look at some of the expectations parents may have that are a little too high.

Your child will not always be in a good mood. When we have had a hard day at work, we want to come home to a more relaxed atmosphere. That isn’t always the case. Sometimes you come home to more stress than you left. Perhaps your child has had a difficult day, too.

Maybe your child couldn’t get his toy to work right. Maybe he was disciplined unfairly at school or at camp. Maybe someone said something negative about him that really hurt his feelings. We have to remember that your child has issues and problems just like you do.

Your child will mess up from time to time. Children mess up. They drop dishes, do poorly at something, forget to feed the dog, get a ticket for speeding and don’t say thank you. We mess up in the same way. Mistakes happen to all of us.

Your child will test your limits. Actually, this testing is a smart idea. He is trying to figure out what you really mean when you set limits. It probably shows how smart he is.

This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have expectations for our children. We just need to remember that our expectations need to be realistic and contain the probability that mistakes and some misbehavior also will occur. We have to learn and then remember what is normal behavior in each specific age and stage of development.

It is easy to overestimate a child’s ability to have self-control, plan ahead, to be responsible, make the right decisions and be perfect. It is important to remember that a young child of 2 or 3 will get unhappy if he doesn’t get his way. You probably should expect your 5-year-old to daydream while he is supposed to be cleaning his room.

Most people would not be surprised when their teenager is irresponsible from time to time.

As a parent, you need to evaluate carefully how serious your child’s behavior is. Some behavior is best ignored rather than to make a big deal about it. Sometimes the best thing to do is to let things go if they are a minor issue. Other things warrant punishments.

In order for your expectations to be met, you need to be very clear with your child. If you expect him to clean up his room, be specific. Tell him what that means. When he is done, check it. Don’t be angry if he needs to do more. Just tell him what he needs to do.

Make sure you tell him what he has done right as well as what he has not done. This is being clear so that he can learn exactly what you expect. Make sure he knows you are pleased.

Talk about what he has done with your partner or your parents so that he hears you telling them positive things about him.

If you do a good job of asking for some kind of behavior, he is more likely to do a good job. It is important to understand how many times expectations are not met because the parent was not clear about what was expected.

Tell your child exactly what you expect. Be clear. Follow through. Then acknowledge the positive behavior that has taken place. Expect a lot. Your child is worth it.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and former executive director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. Reach Martin at pmf@olypen.com.