You lost your spouse, parent, child or friend in February or May or whatever month and here comes November and then December. Lots of parties, celebrations, activities and shopping. Inside, you feel ugh to all of this. What do you do?

Be realistic and honest: If you don’t want to go to this party because of how you feel, don’t! The challenge here can be family and societal expectations. Be honest with them if you can trust them not to judge you. If they get upset, it is truly their problem. Still, some family dynamics are tough so make the decision that causes you the least stress.

Plan ahead and choose carefully: The bereaved individuals who experience the most difficulty with the holiday season are those who have not thought out the challenges they will face. Your energy may be down, you may not want to be around certain people and you may want to spend your time with limited people or in short periods of time. So plan ahead and communicate to whom you want to about what you can do.

Make changes if needed: Your life situation has changed. You do not have to go to the same events or attend or perform the same rituals. Change the ritual and keep it simpler. Don’t worry about putting up lights or endless shopping or just light a single candle to honor your loved one. Keeping it simpler usually is good advice.

If you are alone and want some company, reach out: A grief group that I facilitate, which is comprised mostly of spouses and who are now alone, plan a social/dining event around Thanksgiving to have the company of those who understand what they are going through.

Finally, often the fear/anxiety that the bereaved are thinking will happen on the holidays often does not occur and they enjoy the day. So plan wisely, keep it simple, communicate your needs as honestly as you can and be gentle on your self.

Paul Fiorini is chaplain/bereavement coordinator at Assured Hospice of Clallam and Jefferson Counties.