Traumatic events occur in life. How your child responds to these event can vary widely.
As usual, talking is important in helping you child learn to respond to these difficult times. Keep in mind that when your child is upset, he cannot listen to what you are saying. Let him know that you see that he is upset. After you both have a chance to calm down, come back and talk about what happened.
The important part of calming him down is to come back and talk about it. Children who are known as resilient seem to be able to return to their previous personality after stressful events happen to them. But many children are not in that category.
Help your child who is wrestling with a problem. Your goal is not to rescue your child. Rescuing your child from difficult times will not help him be ready for life. Instead, help your child become resilient and you will help him for his lifetime.
Here are several things to keep in mind when difficulties arise:
• When problems occur, help him look for solutions
• Let him know that what he is feeling is real; listen to him cry about it
• Let him know life will get better even though it seems tough right now
• Let him know that sometimes bad things happen for no reason and it is nobody’s fault
• Talk about things he can do that might help him feel happy (an activity or hobby) during this difficult time
• Don’t call him any names such as crybaby or tell him to be tough
• Watch for signs of distress
• Let him know his home is a safe place; then, keep it safe
• Be aware of scary newspaper stories such as school shootings or kidnappings
Safe, secure
Teach your child that you will be supportive and caring when life is difficult for him. Teach him that he can come to you when he is feeling bad and you will not make fun of him, but will be there to help him through the problems.
Keep the dialogue open by telling your child he can talk about his feelings at any time. The most difficult situations will need to be discussed in more than one conversation.
Too often, parents think that they have the ability to completely shield their children from the negative effects of stressful life situations. Whether a beloved relative dies, their parents are going through a divorce, or a friend receives a cancer diagnosis, children of all ages are very tuned-in to what is happening in their environment.
To help bolster your child’s confidence and ability to weather a difficult time, you can point out past significant changes in which your child has successfully coped. This is also the time to be kinder and gentler with your child … and yourself.
Times like these require not just teaching about healthy coping skills but a big dose of patience and understanding from you. Kids may act out more and test limits or become withdrawn when going through difficult times. Younger kids may even regress in their behavior. These changes are usually temporary and are a child’s way of trying to make sense of what he has experienced and to cope with it.
It is important to remember that your goal is to help your child learn the best way for him to handle a difficult situation. You are not there to take over and solve the problem.
To help prepare your child for more difficult times, parents should model healthy coping skills and to look for ways to help their child learn to be resilient in the face of difficult situations.
Responding to a difficult time by talking together with your child will probably solve the problem. It may not always. If it doesn’t, you may need to get some professional help or talk with the school counselor.
Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and former executive director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. For more information, call 360-681-2250.
