Temper tantrums or “acting-out” behaviors are rather common in early childhood. They usually begin when a child is around 12 to 18 months of age. They can get worse by 2 or 3 years of age.
When a child is tired, hungry or sick, tantrums happen more frequently and with greater intensity. It seems that tantrums come most often when the word “no” lets the child know the parent is in control. For a child who is wanting to be independent, that causes a strong response that we call temper tantrum.
Tantrums are unpleasant and often happen when a child doesn’t have the words to talk about his frustration or to tell the parent what he wants. Sometimes the tantrum comes because your child wants to be independent as he learns to separate himself from his parents.
When your child has a temper tantrum (notice we didn’t say if), you need to remember that tantrums are normal and you really need to stay calm. Shouting at or hitting your child only makes the situation worse. A peaceful response will help reduce the stress for both you and your child. Even saying something funny to him may help. Trying a gentle distraction or changing what you are doing with your child may help.
If the tantrum is in a public place, take him to a quiet place such as the restroom or back to the car. You need to help him be safe until the tantrum is over.
Temper tantrums are a way a child receives the attention he is seeking. However, sometimes you can succeed in ending the tantrum by merely ignoring the behavior. If you are home, just walking into another room may take away his audience and end the drama. He may follow you and continue. Don’t talk or react until the tantrum behavior stops and then talk about the issue that has caused the tantrum. Giving into his demands shouldn’t be an alternative.
If tantrums are a regular happening in your home, think about what your child eats, about his sleeping habits and about what frustrates him. If he no longer takes a nap, make sure that he at least has some quiet time during the day. Lying down for 15 to 20 minutes or cuddling up with you while you read stories together at regular times of the day may help. Check how well he is doing with his siblings.
Other options
Some other things you can try to prevent tantrums include ignoring the little things. You don’t really care which shoes he wears or whether he has an apple or a banana. Save battles for important behavior you need to push for his safety. Give him choices whenever possible. But do not offer choices if one doesn’t really exist.
It would be nice if tantrums stopped after your little one turns 3 but they don’t. Sometimes you can expect tantrums to get worse after age 4. Others say that in middle school you are likely to see an upsurge in childlike behavior including tantrums.
Raising two high school boys right now, I would tell you tantrums aren’t over. Actually, even my adult children certainly can be accused of having tantrums from time to time. Although it is difficult to believe, I even need to look at my own behavior to find some examples of temper tantrums.
Actually, there are as many articles about adult temper tantrums as there are about tantrums for 2-year-olds.
Maybe we all have something to learn. The best way to handle them is to first look at our own ways of handling anger. That could give us some clues on handling the anger of our children at all ages and even handling the anger of our adult relatives.
Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and director of Parenting Matters Foundation. Reach Martin at pmf@olypen.com or at 681-2250.
