Parenting In Focus: Different kinds of parenting

Published 1:30 am Wednesday, December 20, 2023

Few of us dream of becoming stepmothers or stepfathers. Yet, more than 60 million adults are in this situation. Even the word “stepmother” is too frequently filled with images of the evil stepmother. So when you become a stepmother, you begin with something to overcome.

Step-parents who really want to become effective parents can add much to their stepchild’s life. Begin by being realistic as possible. When you first enter your stepchild’s life, you will find confusion, uneasiness, wariness and neediness. Your new child has mixed feelings about you entering his life.

Plan on being tested for sure. Your stepchild is trying to figure out who you are. You also need to handle feeling left out, to experience negative feelings, and to feel like you are in second place from time to time.

Remember that love takes time and patience. Prepare for hard work to be part of the process. Get the help you need from others who have had this kind of job before, from books, and from talking with your partner.

This isn’t an easy process, but it’s an extremely important one. Learning how to be an effective stepparent takes some strong and persistent effort.

At the same time, you need to understand your importance whether you are a parent or as a new step-parent. You need to remember that even though your child is in school, you are still an important teacher to him. Most of the lessons he will learn in life will be the ones you will be teaching him.

Without your encouragement, your child whether he is your biological child or stepchild, will not try as hard. Without your support, he will read fewer books. Without your love, he will be less secure as he comes to school to learn and will learn less. Without your example, he is more likely to become involved in drugs and alcohol.

Just because he goes to school, don’t think he doesn’t need to learn the lessons you teach. He is still looking to you for guidance and to help show him the way. Parents, even stepparents, make a difference in their children’s lives and in their successes.

Don’t underestimate your importance to your child and to your child’s success. Your child is still listening to you even when you don’t think he is. He is still imitating you even when you think he is rejecting you.

Let him see you reading. Let him see you talking out problems and solutions. Let him see you being fair. Let him see you being concerned about others. His family is his primary model for the life he will lead. He is learning from you how he will live the rest of his life.

We all need to work together to provide the best opportunities for your child.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and former executive director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which published newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents.