Parenting Matters: What should I do when my child says no?

Published 1:30 am Wednesday, July 22, 2020

It would have been nice if the “no” stage ended when your child was no longer 2 — but it doesn’t. Every parent needs to learn how to handle it when their child says “no” when he is asked to do something.

There are some helpful sources on the internet and in parenting books, but here are some hints worth trying when your older child uses that word too frequently:

• Be specific about your directions, but always show respect by using “please” and “thank you.” You do not want this to become a conflict.

• Be very clear about the objectives and be sure he understands what you are asking and why.

• Praise him for following through.

• If he does not follow through, remain calm and do not overreact.

• Begin step-by-step. Tell him you love him and you want him to do what you told him to do. Give him one step at a time to make sure he can handle more than one or two steps before going on.

• If you need to, develop a checklist. You can make up a list of today’s chores where he can see it, or maybe even where he can check them off when he is finished.

• Set goals. When he can see he has finished his work, he will have a sense of accomplishment. Let him know what awaits him. Tell him, “When you have finished cleaning your room, then you can have a friend over to play” or “When you are finished you may have that special candy bar you wanted at the store today.”

• Do what you said you would do to reward him.

• Do not forget to give hugs. No matter what your child’s age, hugs still count. He needs the hugs to feel sure of your love. It is very difficult to learn if you are not sure about being loved.

Consequences

It is very important for children to learn that there are consequences if they do not do what is asked. The time to being teaching this lesson is right away at home.

It is also important to think of ways to make the consequences fit whatever your child did or did not do. For example, if he did not feed the dog when you asked him to, make sure he skips dessert tonight. If he did not make his bed as he was asked to, have bedtime a half hour earlier. If he did not pick up his dirty clothes when you asked him to, have him do extra help with the laundry that day.

When you enforce rules at home, his teacher at school will also have an easier time with him getting him to do what is asked. He wants the direction and he needs the sense of accomplishment when he completes his tasks.

Even learning how to organize his tasks by putting them on a list is a helpful life skill to know.

It is amazing how many things children learn through their everyday activities. It is one more place where we see that parents really are their child’s first teacher. This learning lasts through all their growing years.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and former executive director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. Contact First Teacher Executive Director Patsene Dashiell at patsene@firstteacher.org or 360-681-2250.