“I feel a connection to you unlike any other” and “We were meant to cross paths,” one woman was told online. She later realized, “You’re buying into it. Why? Because it feels good to be seen.”

Another woman recalled of an online relationship,“How many times did they say they were going to meet me and never showed?”

The FBI reports that one victim of a romance scam was duped out of $2 million by an online suitor she never met in person. In a public service video released by the agency the victim said, “Part of me thinks that he’s going to come through and pay me back what he owes me and, you know, swoop in here, be the knight in shining armor … it’s been two and a half years and I still haven’t seen his face.”

Romance scams is a most unromantic subject but according to the Federal Trade Commission (FTC), victims reported over $1.1 billion in losses to romance scammers in 2023. The most frequent method of initial contact was through social media.

My old office overseas frequently received telephone calls from irate Americans complaining that our embassy refused to help their foreign sweethearts who either had serious medical conditions or had suffered from serious accidents. They were all scams. One UK study said romance scams often deliver a “double hit” to the victims – financial loss and the emotional trauma of betrayed trust and affection.

Last December, the U.S. Attorney’s Office for North Dakota announced the sentencing of two individuals for participating in romance schemes that targeted elderly women. That case involved foreign actors who fraudulently posed as a high-ranking U.S. military officer stationed abroad. The scammers created convincing internet profiles and developed apparently warm online relationships with their targets before inducing them to send money. The money supposedly was to pay for last minute problems that were preventing the purported U.S. official from returning home.

In one of the schemes, the scammers received a $150,000 cashier’s check; in another, a victim transferred $50,000. A victim in Tennessee in yet another romance scam lost more than $400,000 over the course of several months.

The FBI says that romance con artists are present on most dating and social media sites. The agency warns that these scammers may use details the victims share online to target them. These individuals are well practiced at presenting themselves as believable and genuinely caring individuals. They are experts at what they do. One victim called them “grandmasters in the chess game of manipulation.”

“I can’t meet you in person.” Their excuse might be that they’re living or traveling outside the country, or working with the military or international organizations. In 2023, romance scammers pretended to be U.S. troops deployed to Ukraine, where there was no U.S. military presence.

“I need your help with money.” Once the scammers gain their victim’s trust, they’ll ask for help to pay for one thing or another. If they say, “Baby, I want to come see you but I’m short of funds,” take that as a red flag. If they offer to help with cryptocurrency, run the other way fast.

“This payment method is safe and easy.” The FTC says that all scammers, not just romance scammers, want to get the money quickly. Once they get it — wired through a company, or a gift card, or in transferred cryptocurrency— they don’t want to give it back. These methods are nearly impossible to trace or to reverse once the money is sent.

An overused rhyme may be worth remembering – roses are red, violets are blue, but if they ask for money, they’re not into you.”

The Sequim Police Department said it is rare for romance scams to be reported to its office but at least one was reported last year, and a few imposter scams are reported every month targeting elderly residents. Due to a variety of reasons, including shame and embarrassment, many victims do not report, seek help, or find external support. Studies indicate that victims might experience post-traumatic stress disorder or suicidal ideation as a result of these encounters.

The FTC recommends that people talk to trusted friends or a third person about any new love interest they meet online. Pay attention if they express concerns. If a romance scam is suspected, cutting off contact immediately may be the best thing to do for self-protection. The bottom line is not to send money to anyone you have not met in person, even if that person seems to be a soul mate or a knight in shining armor.

Emily Dickinson once wrote, ‘The heart wants what it wants.’ When it comes to romance scammers, the emotional toll of what the heart wants can be more harrowing than financial loss.

If you believe you or a loved one has been victimized by a romance scam, please report the crime to the FBI’s Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3) at www.ic3.gov.

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Ruby E. Carlino is a published writer with over a decade of blogging experience and a background as a technology analyst. She has lived in Sequim since 2018, after spending years in Asia, Central America, Europe, and the Washington, D.C. area during her husband’s diplomatic assignments. She can be reached at nextchaptercolumn@proton.me.